What divorce taught us about marriage

Rick Warren on how God renews love

You may be thinking, Well, I am stuck in a marriage that is dead or dying. There’s just no spark left. Once there was love, but now it’s gone. Once there were feelings, but now they are gone. Perhaps you have heard that painful statement, “I don’t love you anymore.” What do you do about that? Do you end the marriage? No, you ask God to resurrect those feelings of love.

The power that raised Jesus from the dead can also raise a dead relationship. How do you rekindle a lost love?

You can revive those feelings if you choose to have them. Saying “I am going to force myself to feel loving” won’t work. You cannot force a feeling; you cannot force the spark back into a relationship. But you can attack the problem indirectly by thinking and acting lovingly. Your thoughts and actions will produce the loving feelings.

Christ spoke to the church at Ephesus about a love they had lost — their love for God. That love had become dry and passionless as they merely went through the motions of their commitment to him. Jesus told them to take three steps to rekindle that love. These steps may also be powerfully applied to the rekindling of our relationships. Jesus said, “Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first” (Rev. 2:5, emphasis added).

The first step in resurrecting love is to remember. Rekindling love in your marriage starts with thinking about how you used to love your mate. Remember the happy times. Recall the qualities that first captured your heart. Choose to remember the experiences you have shared — events that brought you close, such as dating experiences, things that happened early in your marriage, the birth of a child, or the purchase of your first home. Don’t recall the bad things; those are easy to remember. Instead, choose to focus on the good things that have happened in your relationship.

The second step in resurrecting love is to repent. The word repent comes from the Greek word metanoia, which means to change your mind, to change the way you think. When Jesus calls you to repent, he is calling you to change the way you think about that person you have lost your love for. Stop fantasizing about what might have been. Stop daydreaming about what life might be like if you were married to someone else. Stop thinking about what life might be like if your mate were different or had done this or that. Stop torturing yourself with “what if — ?” You are talking yourself into those unhappy feelings. Stop fantasizing and start thinking positive, truthful thoughts — the kind described in 1 Corinthians 13. If you want to rebuild a love in your life, memorize 1 Corinthians 13. Meditate on it and start acting on it.

Jesus’ third step in resurrecting love is to do the things you did at first. Love takes action. You have to work at loving your mate — as hard and creatively as you did during your courtship and engagement. Do the things you did at the start. Perhaps you have not had a romantic evening in months — or years. It may be that you have not even had time alone together in months. Take time to go out on a date and do the things — buy the flowers, wear that special dress — that you did at first. Let your creativity come alive again.

Stop fantasizing about greener grass somewhere else. The truth is that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence; the grass is greener wherever you water it! If you will take the energy you spend complaining and fantasizing and invest it in improving your marriage, you will have a great marriage. You will rekindle those lost feelings no matter how long it has been since you last felt them. Love works if you work at it.

If you have the desire to resurrect a dying love, I want to challenge you to do two things. First, commit yourself totally to Jesus Christ. Frankly, I don’t have much hope for marriages that are not based on a commitment to Jesus Christ. Human love is not strong enough to weather the storms of life. Human love dries up, but agape — God’s love — never gives up.

The root of your problems is spiritual, not emotional or relational. Your relationship with God affects your relationship with your spouse and everyone else. When you are not right with God, you are not going to be right with other people either. The vertical and the horizontal planes must be in balance. Each affects the other. The starting point is to correct your vertical relationship with God, and then your horizontal relationship with others will be easier to correct. The Holy Spirit can fill you with new reservoirs of love you never thought you could have. You need God’s love and power, so commit your life unreservedly to Jesus Christ.

The second challenge is to commit yourself totally to your mate, regardless of faults and flaws. Don’t fall into the “I would love you if” syndrome: “I’d love you if you would do this or that for me.” That is conditional love. God’s love is the kind that says, “I love you, period. I love you unconditionally.” Actually, God’s love really says, “I love you in spite of …” He tells us, “I love you in spite of your imperfections. I love you in spite of your problems. I love you.” That is agape love, the kind of love that makes a difference.

So pray for a resurrection, and choose to do what Jesus says: remember, repent, and take action. When you do that, you will be surprised at how quickly your feelings return.

God’s Power to Change Your Life (Rick Warren)

Falling in love is like a drug addiction

Indeed, the person in love is an addict of sorts. Just like someone going through chemical withdrawal, a lover becomes anxious and unable to concentrate in the absence of his or her partner. But even a small dose of affection—a phone call or a text message—gives them their “fix” and calms them, at least for a while. In many ways, the brain scan studies show that the maddening feelings of love are essentially a major mental-health crisis. The chemical storm of brain changes it causes are strikingly similar to drug addiction and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Love really does make us crazy.

–For Better by Tara Parker-Pope

Eye rolling predicts marriage failure

Researchers say that one of the clearest signals of a problem in your relationship is when you partner rolls his or her eyes in reaction to something you’ve said or done. Eye rolling is often accompanied by a smile and laughter, so it doesn’t always come across as a negative. But eye rolling is a painfully obvious sign of contempt, and it’s a powerful predictor that your relationship is in serious trouble.108 For many couples, this small bit of information is revelatory. In videotaped sessions of couples, the conversations seemed pleasant enough. Voices weren’t raised, harsh words weren’t used. But researchers watching the exchanges broke down the conversations and “coded” every gesture, expression, and word as a positive or negative sign. What emerged were all the signs that one spouse held the other in contempt, and the strongest evidence for this was a roll of the eyes after the other would speak. How many times has your partner rolled his or her eyes when you start speaking? Or are you the eye roller in the relationship?

–For Better by Tara Parker-Pope

Is sex unromantic if it is planned?

“No time for sex and romance” is one of the most common complaints we hear from parents. The problem, they say, stems from nonstop, immediate demands of caring for young children. Once the kids arrive, it feels as if your entire life is booked. When you’re not at work, you’re running errands, doing housework, or caring for the brood. You feel that you have no privacy. And if you get around to having sex at all, it’s usually at the end of the day when both of you are exhausted. For many tired parents, making love often feels like “the last chore of the day.”

That’s why we heartily recommend that couples schedule regular “dates”—evenings or weekends when you get a babysitter so you can have time alone together to keep romance alive in your relationship.

“But scheduling sex and romance takes all the spontaneity out of it,” we hear couples complain. “That’s no fun.” We contend that such thoughts are a big mistake. To understand why, think about the most romantic times in your relationship. If you’re like most people, you’ll be remembering those first few dates. Now think back to how you used to get ready for those times together. You may remember preparations that were anything but spontaneous. In fact, people in new romantic relationships are often thinking far ahead, with considerations such as, how will I dress? What perfume will I wear? Should I dim the lights? How will I make my moves? And, most of all, how will all this feel? Did all the preparation take the fun out the relationship? Hardly. Instead, it added fuel to the sense of anticipation and excitement for the evening ahead.

So we advise couples to get their calendars out and start planning. Set aside some time and then use your imaginations to plan for romance, plan for sensuality, and plan for sex.

–Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by Joan Declaire, John Phd Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman

Marriage success turns on small things

Imagine, for example, what might have happened on that lonely night they describe if either one had made a clear bid for emotional connection. What if either Ron or Melissa had said, “I really want to kiss you right now”? And what if the other had responded, “That’s what I really want, too”?

Our research has shown that such exchanges are the stuff that happy marriages are made of. Whether a partner wants sex, affection, conversation, or just some help with the yard work, the story is the same: One partner makes a bid in the form of a comment, a gesture, a question, a touch, or a facial expression. And the other partner “turns toward” that bid with interest, empathy, or support.

While turning toward your partner’s bids leads to the growth and development of a loving, caring relationship, “turning away” by ignoring your partner’s bids has just the opposite effect. Whether the slight is intentional or simply caused by mindlessness, continually disregarding your partner’s bids leads to increased conflict, hurt feelings, and the deterioration of your relationship.

“Turning against” your partner’s bids with arguments and hostility also has a negative impact. It can make the bidding partner feel hurt and fearful, so that bidding stops, feelings are suppressed, and the relationship begins to wither.

Below is a list of situations in which partners commonly bid for emotional connection. As you read each item, imagine your partner offering this bid to you. Then imagine ways that you might turn away, turn against, or turn toward the bid. Over the next several weeks, see what happens when you make an effort to habitually turn toward your partner.

Examples:

BID: My partner pours me a cup of coffee as I’m working at the computer.

Turning-away response: Silence. No acknowledgment.

Turning-against response: “Looks like you made it too weak again.”

Turning-toward response: “Thanks. That’s so thoughtful.”

BID: My partner reads aloud a joke that he or she thinks is funny.

Turning-away response: “Have you seen my black shoes?”

Turning-against response: “I can’t concentrate when you’re reading like that.”

Turning-toward response: “That’s funny.” Or “I don’t get it. Tell me why it cracks you up.”

–Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by Joan Declaire, John Phd Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman

Why a child-centered marriage can harm your marriage

For couples intensely committed to being good parents, having a “child-centered marriage” may not sound like such a bad thing. After all, kids need and deserve an enormous amount of attention from their moms and dads. Problems arise, however, when couples use their parenting obligations as an excuse for neglecting their relationship with each other.

In a child-centered marriage, kids can become the great distraction—a convenient way to ignore your need for adult conversation or romance, or to sidestep marital problems that ought to be addressed. Examples of child-centered couples might include:

• the pair who points to a child’s sleep patterns as the reason they’ve stopped having sex
• the partners who say that between Little League, Scouts, and science projects, there’s absolutely no time for that weekend getaway
• the couple that claims that the husband’s job must be the primary focus of his life because the family needs a substantial income to send the kids to the best colleges

Do you see the pattern? The couple’s needs are always trumped in favor of the kids’. But in the long run, the children’s needs aren’t really being served at all. Parents who feel they missed important experiences or necessities in their own upbringing may be at special risk for having a child-centered marriage. These parents may be so focused on “getting it right” for their own offspring that everything else—including their marriage—takes a backseat to their children’s needs. The sad irony is that in striving to create the perfect life for their children, these parents fail to provide what kids need most—a happy home. Spouses who neglect the health of their marriage may inadvertently create an environment that’s rife with tension and susceptible to downward spirals of defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling.

Our research has shown that growing up in a strife-filled environment can have a strong negative impact on children’s attitudes and achievements. Children who live with unspoken tension in the family may become anxious, depressed, introverted, and withdrawn. Children who live with hostility and contempt become aggressive with their peers.

On the other hand, parents who take good care of the marriage—who listen and respond to each other’s needs—provide their kids with great role models for healthy relationships. They also create a relaxed, happy environment where kids can thrive physically, emotionally, and intellectually. In our workshops with new parents, we often encourage couples to think of their marriage as they would a cradle. It’s here in the safety of your stable, loving relationship that your child’s heart can rest. Keeping that cradle strong and peaceful is the best thing you can do to ensure your child’s long-term well-being.

Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by Joan Declaire, John Phd Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman

The Aikido principle

Couples who have trouble accepting influence from each other often argue and feel defensive. One partner makes a complaint or suggestion and the other responds with a statement of denial or refusal. In these situations, neither partner wants to admit he or she is wrong. Neither one wants to be in the shameful position of being “the loser.” But the trouble is, the arguments that ensue can be harmful to your marriage.

An alternative to this deadlocked position is to accept influence. We refer to this as “the Aikido principle” because it involves a concept crucial to this Japanese form of martial art—that you must “yield to win.” In other words, you don’t go head-to-head with the person who is attacking you; you fall in line beside your partner instead. This can be done simply by asking your partner questions about his or her point of view and expressing willingness to look at the problem from a new perspective. Responses might be:

Explain your thinking to me.

What are all your feelings about this issue?

Tell me why this is so important to you.

Tell me how you would solve the problem if you were going to solve it alone.

I may not be looking at it the same way you do.

Tell me how you would approach this.

What are you afraid of in this situation?

What disasters are you trying to avoid?

What are your goals around this issue?

This seems to be important to you. Tell me why.

Help me understand why you feel so strongly about this.

Responding in this way can be totally disarming—especially if your partner is poised for a fight. It changes the energy of the conversation, allowing the two of you to approach the conflict from the same perspective and build understanding. You may even find a compromise.

–Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by Joan Declaire, John Phd Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottma