Introduction
January 15, 2011 8 Comments
In a few weeks I will have been married—for the second time—7 years.
By this time in my first marriage I was thoroughly confused and my wife was thoroughly depressed. I so didn’t get it.
I will never forget the day—sitting on the white L-shaped couch talking again to Sharon, my first wife. We had had these conversations many times before. She wasn’t happy. I didn’t get why. She tried to explain, again.
At some point I suggested what I thought was an impossible idea, but she had been hinting that this was true. This is what good communication does, I would later learning. We repeat back what we think we hear the other person saying. This is always a good idea when we are not sure. This day, I just stumbled onto this technique.
“Are you saying I am pretty much a crummy husband?” The real sense of the question was, “Well, you are not saying am just a crummy husband, are you?” (Like that would be impossible, but just to be sure, let’s get that out of the way.)
Her silence was not very reassuring.
That day is marked in my mind as the beginning of 13 miserable years of struggling to find happiness in marriage. Countless hours of counseling. Reading 50 or so books. Two full weeks of counseling in Colorado. Lots of tears. Lots and lots of tears.
Countless nights I came home thinking, “Is this it? Is this the night I will come home to an empty house and a note saying, ‘I am leaving. I just couldn’t take it anymore.’” I was always relieved when I saw her car in the driveway.
Eventually, at year 18, we had another conversation on the couch. Sharon said to me, “I want you to read this and then we can talk about it.” I still get a pit in my stomach thinking about it. The beginning line read, “I am leaving. . .”
Two months later, we were divorced.
Long story. . . five years later I got married again. I thought going in that I had learned so much the first time that the second time around would be much easier. Sharon had even told me so. One night she said to me, “You are going to make a great husband. . . for someone else. I just don’t have any feelings for you anymore.”
Happily, I was right. All I had learned the first time around has made marriage much better the second time around. Not that we don’t have bumps along the way. We do. But, we have a good marriage. I would say, even a great marriage.
This blog is about the lessons I learned. It is a summary of 50 books I read and lessons that were not in any of them.
Those of you who read this will think,
“Wow, Missy sure is lucky to have a man who thinks this much about his marriage, his wife, his relationship with God, and how he can make all of the above better.”
You would be right….well, sort of. I don’t actually believe in luck. I’d say, “I am blessed beyond anything I could have hoped for or imagined.”
I never wanted to be a divorced person. I didn’t want it when I said, “I do,” to Chris. I didn’t want it the day he told me in the parking lot of the Hatch library while standing outside of our vehicle that he wanted a divorce. I didn’t want it the day we both signed the final divorce papers, and truth be told, I still have tearful moments (like when my youngest son looks across the armrest of my P.T Cruiser and says, “Mom, I wish you were still a Watkins.”) I don’t want divorce to be a part of my life! I hate that title: “DIVORCED”. It is such an ugly word, but as distasteful as it is – it is true of me and my life.
My first marriage is history. I thought I would absolutely die when Chris left. Think I’m playing the drama card? Well, don’t. I thought I would DIE, but – here I am alive and commenting on my husband’s awesome blog.
Second chances are an amazing gift God grants His children who screw up the first time around. Thank You, Lord.
Missy,
I do believe you are blessed. No one plans on getting a divorce when they get married. I had no idea what being married meant, even when I said “I do” I had no idea. I just know getting a divorce hurt terribly.
I too have been given the gift of a second chance and I do treasure it. I understand what my role is in this marriage, I know who has given me my husband and children, and I do not take it for granted. We do not have a perfect marriage, but we have one that honors God.
Josh & Missy,
Thanks for being so transparent concerning this “hot potato” issue in Southern Baptist circles. God bless you both!
The “first” marriage lasted 9 years. I had no idea what I was doing. I am now married 30+ years and it is work, work, work. To be a divorced Pastor is like the unforgiveable sin. But I know that I am forgiven so I rely on my God not on man’s opinions. Bless you for even discussing it openly. Pastor Al
I am not divorced; my wife and I have been married for 25 years and have had some tough moments…still do. But we persevere. As a husband it is important for me to learn the lessons you have to teach, and as a pastor as well. One of our non-negotiables as a church is that anyone getting married in the church MUST go through premarital counseling, an amazing process of mutual discovery. I have had several couples who started and once the tough questions began they broke up becuase of differences they could not reconcile. I’d rather see them break up before standing at the altar than later get a divorce. On the other hand, with the counseling in place they have the tools to save themselves should they get in trouble later.
Thanks for being so transparent, and for teaching us these valuable lessons.
What premarital counseling curriculum do you recommend?
Went through a divorce over a year ago, met a girl that loves me and we will be married in August. My problem is where do I fit in ministry. I love to preach the gospel, formally trained as a minister with a masters of divinity and a partial doctorate(had to drop out due to the divorce) This is a great article thanks.
First, let me say that I applaud all of you for taking on this project. (I literally did clap my hands when I finished reading all the posts the other night!) Your openness and honesty, though I’m sure painful at times, is refreshing and the perspective is quite unique. I encourage all of you to continue this project! People need to hear this.
Personally, I would like to hear more about each of your spiritual journeys before, during and subsequent to your divorces. What Truths did you receive? What knowledge made that 18” trip from your head to your heart?
I loved your closing remarks about this being a summary of 50 or so books and the lessons that weren’t in any of them! Been there, brother. Just checked Lifeway and there are currently 806 books available on love and marriage. I’ve been told that there are over 10,000 books dealing with marriage. I got to the point where the question really became “which one are you going to read today?”…