January 15, 2011 2 Comments
The world makes too much of sex. The church makes too little of sex.
I have a theory about this. I can’t prove it, but I have talked to enough people, (ok, guys) about this that I can say it rings true, at least from a male viewpoint.
I have read dozens of books on marriage and many of them have a common theme. The theme goes like this: “Marriages today are in trouble. The problem? The problem is men. They are jerks. They are buffoons. They are unromantic. They are insensitive. They are emotionally unavailable. They are uncommunicative. They are not supportive and helpful around the house. They are lazy. All they want to do is watch sports and flip channels, and oh yes, have sex. Sometimes, their wives feel all they want is ‘sex and don’t bug me.’ If men would get with it we could cure the marriage ills in this country. If men, men, would just be a little more sensitive, a little more romantic, a little more communicative, a little more helpful we could turn marriages around. And if men would do what they should, they would get what they want: sex.”
I have read dozens of books that could be summarized by the above.
At the end of the day, it is a very dis-empowering message to women. It makes women in to passive victims who can only sit back and hope that their men get it eventually. Some have been waiting a long time. The truth is they have an enormous power if they are just taught to use it.
It is an overstatement to say, as John Gray says, “Woman want romance; men want sex.” Still, there is enough truth in it to make his book, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom a national best seller. It may overstate the case some, but it is still largely true. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say men are more interested in sex and women are more interested in romance. The truth is, men want some romance and women want some sex, but the proportions are different.
These differing desires set up a cycle. When my wife makes love with me, it gives me an incredible sense of gratitude and appreciation toward her. I feel this overwhelming sense of wanting to do for her in response to what she did for me. I move in the direction of becoming the helpful, romantic, sensitive, caring person she wants me to be. When I do some of these things, she responds by giving me what I want: sex. And so the cycle continues. She takes care of me in bed. She turns me into the man she wants me to be. I become more romantic, a better listener, more supportive and so forth. Because I am more of all these things, she is more willing to provide for me in bed.
Here is my theory. Suppose you were to take 1000 couples in trouble. To the first 500 you gave the common party line: “Marriages today are in trouble. The reason? Men! They are buffoons, etc. If men would buy some flowers, take her to a romantic restaurant and so forth, then men would get what they want and everyone would be happy.”
Let’s suppose, as an experiment, you gave the other 500 a very different story. “Marriages today are in trouble. The reason is: women. Women are not putting out. They are not taking care of their husbands in bed. If you will provide for him in the bedroom, you will turn him into the knight in shining armor that you long for. He will turn from the frog to the prince as you kiss him and kiss him and kiss him in other places and kiss him some more. Use your power, girl! God have you an incredibly powerful weapon in the battle for a great marriage. Use it! And don’t just use it a little bit. Use it in spades. Use it lavishly. Lavishly. Sex him tell he screams and screams and screams. Then say, ‘Ya want some more? There is more where that came from. I can take care you, buddy. I got the stuff that you want. I got the stuff that you need. Let’s go! Take care of him in a lavish, excessive way. Make sure that his love tank is full all the time. And, the only way you know that is if he regularly turns you down.”
My theory is not that this group would do any better than the first group, only that they would do as well. And, if you really wanted to help couples in trouble you would give separate advice to the man and the woman. Tell the man to be more romantic, be more supportive, be a better listener, etc. Tell him to lavish her with romantic cards, plan romantic get-aways, buy flowers, leave love notes in her underwear drawer. And tell her to sex him tell he screams and then take him there again. Wake him in the night. Give him afternoon delight. Sex him in spades.
By the way, there may be some women who read this and might feel a little insecure. You hear about some women who are “good in bed” and you are not sure if it is you. You might be thinking this is requiring a skill of you that you don’t really have.
I have never passed by the magazine rack at the grocery store without finding at least one–and usually several–magazines with a cover article on “7 Ways to Please Your Man in Bed” or “Thirteen Steps to Hot Sex.” I can summarize all these articles in two words: show up.
Show up. That’s it. That is the secret to great sex. Show up.
Here is a riddle. Suppose a single guy is torn between two available women. One offers great sex, but a crummy personality. The others promises a great personality but crummy sex. Which one will he choose? I have asked this to a number of women and they always think they are so clever in answering, “He will choose the one who promises great sex.” Wrong answer. From a guy’s viewpoint, there is no such thing as bad sex. We are talking about sex, right? How bad could it be? Just show up and have a good attitude, act interested, and like you want to be there and everything will be just fine. God gave you such a powerful tool to get to your man’s heart that you can hardly use it wrongly.
Some women get frustrated that they cannot get their man’s attention. He is constantly watching TV, or reading a book, or working on his computer. I have a very simple solution. Use your God given power. Take all your clothes off. It is very unlikely that your naked body will not get his attention. You have the means to get his attention. Use it.
We hate to admit this right out loud, but we men are really, really, really easy to manipulate. We are just almost like a machine that you put the coin in and you get what you want. If you want us to notice you and admire you and gush over you, it is really very simple. Just take some clothes off.
Let me summarize my two word solution to great sex (show up) even further. Initiate. Ask him to make love with you. Touch him in sexual ways. (I have never heard a guy complain about his wife always pawing on him.) Wake him up in the middle of the night on top of him without any clothes on. Initiate. Take the lead. Don’t make him ask. Don’t wait for him to ask. Initiate.
Some women feel, “Well, that reduces me to a piece of meat. I want him to be interested in me not just my body.” Or, “The only time he touches me is when he is interested in sex. I wish he would hug me or touch me some time when he doesn’t want sex.”
This is what women don’t understand. There is no time when he doesn’t want sex. If he is breathing, he pretty much wants sex. I heard a speaker say once that men think about sex every six seconds. One, two, three, four, five sex. One, two, three, four, five, sex. “What does she mean touch her when I am not interested in sex? When would that be?”
Some women just don’t like this. They don’t like men who are interested in sex all the time. They think this is gross and animal like. In a way, men agree. We wish it were not so important to us. We wish we could stop thinking about it. A part of us wishes we were not so dependent on you women. We wish we could get along without it. We wish it we could stop thinking about it. But, we can’t.
If women could live inside a man’s body for 48 hours it would forever change her outlook on men. What she would find is that there is this kind of storm that brews all the time inside a man’s body. Out here in New Mexico we have the ferocious wind and dust storms in the Spring. Perhaps you have seen Westerns were the dust and tumbleweeds blow and the wind howls. That is pretty much how it is out here in the Spring. And it pictures the inside of a man. There is this kind of restlessness, this agitation. It is like he can’t quite relax. He can’t until he makes love. Then, for a little while, his soul is at peace. The storms calms down. His insides turn from that howling blowing dust and tumbleweed to a quiet green meadow with a cloudless blue sky.
You do that for him, lady. You and only you. You calm that savage beast and nothing else can calm it. If we follow the Christian standards, no one else can quite calm it. He can’t calm it himself. He needs you. You have an incredible God given power to calm his soul.
It almost seems a little unfair to us that we need you so badly. It seems unfair that we are a little agitated, a little frustrated, a little. . . well, sometimes it is not just a little. Sometimes it is a lot. And you women have the power to calm our soul. We can’t do it ourselves. We need you. Sometimes, we wish we didn’t, but we do.
By the way, it is not just sex itself. It is the whole world of sexuality that is interesting to us. It is buying sexy nighties and talking about sex and touching us sexually and anything related to sex is good. It is all good.
John Gray takes a pretty aggressive approach to this idea of lavish sexuality in his book Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. In the book he describes three kinds of sex, using a menu as a metaphor:
- Bread and butter sex. Normally about thirty minutes, this is the day to day experience of sex. Both partners reach climax.
- Gourmet sex. Mostly for the woman, this is an entire evening dedicated to the celebration of sexual love. It would normally include an evening out, long back rubs, body massage, lots of fore play and all the orgasms she can stand. Gray suggests that once a week or so, you rock her world.
- Quicky sex. Gourmet sex is mostly for the wife. Quicky sex is all about the guy. I have a friend who told me sometimes he likes to make love with his wife in the morning, before she wakes up. Brings new meaning to the phrase, “While you were sleeping.” Anyway, he said one of the things he likes about it is, he doesn’t have to worry with pleasing her. He can be totally selfish and just enjoy feeling good with her. This is not all the time, but it is some of the time. Here is the John Gray shocker: he and Bonnie have made a deal. He can have quicky sex any time, day or night that it is logistically possible. She tries to never turn him down. Sex on demand. Anytime. Always open. 24/7. Now, this is quicky sex. He can’t expect her to get all happy. For a man, there is something very fulfilling about getting his wife happy. He can’t expect that in quicky sex. He can have quicky sex any time he wants, but he can’t expect much response from her. Gray says you have no idea how energizing this is to him just knowing that sex is always, always, always available. That is what I call loving a man lavishly in terms of the physical expression of love.
Someone might be thinking, “I just can’t do that. I just don’t have energy to be lavish. Not like that. This is why marriage takes three. A man, a woman, and their God. God pours his love into our hearts. We come to the relationship with a full tank that God has filled. Because of this, I have something to give away that I did not get from my wife. We are not just giving back and forth. We are sharing from the abundance that God is providing.
Someone else may be thinking, “I tried it and it didn’t work.” I sexed him and sexed him and sexed him and he didn’t turn into a knight in shining armor. He is still a buffoon–worse than ever.”
There are no guarantees. What divorce taught me about marriage is that this is more art than science. There are no magic formulas. No silver bullets. No guarantees. I think this tends to work. John Gray thinks it tends to work. But, there are no guarantees.
Well, there is one guarantee. You are almost certainly guaranteed to have a bad marriage if you don’t do this. If you withhold physical love, you are almost certain to have a terrible marriage. There is no guarantee that if you love him in a lavish way physically that he will respond and give you want you want. You are pretty much guaranteed if you don’t give him what he wants, he won’t have the spark to give you what you want.
For a guy, sex is the fuel of the relationship. It is what keeps him going. It is what gives him the energy to do the things his wife wants him to do. Take away the fuel, and car doesn’t run very well. If you don’t fill your husband’s love tank sexually, about the highest and best you can hope for is love by duty and obligation and responsibility. If he is a good man, he will do all he can to give you all he can out of responsibility and duty. That is about the best you can hope for. If you want the spontaneous overflow of love for you, provide for him. Ziq Ziglar said it and it applies to love: you can get everything you want if you are just willing to give to others what they want.
So, as I guy, let me invite you–why not give it a try? Why not sex him tell he screams? Sex him lavishly. Show up. Initiate. Be there. How bad could it be? We are talking about sex, right? But then, that is a guy’s perspective.