GAGA Goofy In Love Beginnings Don’t Inoculate You From Unwanted Divorced Endings

Josh and I have had a similar dream since very early on in our marriage. We’ve hoped and prayed for the day that an opportunity would present itself for us to be able to help married couples see the folly of divorce. To somehow be able to stir within them what we have been through, without them going through it, so they will never go through it. We have watched for a chance at our pain being redeemed.

If we thought it would work, we would shimmy (okay, claw our way) up our drainpipe, stand on our rooftop and shout as loud as our voices could muster for all the world to hear, “If you’re thinking about getting a divorce, don’t do it! DON’T DO IT!” There are just two problems when it comes to that particular plan. One: we’d probably break the drainpipe and our necks, and two: even if we could scream loud enough to be heard, no one would really listen.

Just for fun, let’s pretend that we somehow managed to get our “healthy” bodies up that drainpipe and on top of our roof and we were able to scream our message for all the world, or at least all of our city to hear. This is what I imagine people across our city would say in response (based on my own pre-divorce attitude about divorce).

Response #1

Wife: “Did you hear that, hon? Isn’t that sad? Poor people. They must have gone through a really bad divorce (as if any of them are good). I’m sure glad we don’t have to worry about that in our marriage. Knowing Jesus as our personal Savior is our insurance against that. I’m glad divorce isn’t an option for us.”

Husband: “Yup.”

Response #2

Wife: “Wow! Did you just hear that? I sure am glad they aren’t talking to us. I’m so glad I chose you to spend the rest of my life with, babe. I can’t imagine spending one night away from you, much less divorcing you. I know we’ll have some bumps along the way, but I meant what I said when I promised to love you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do us part. You are my life. I’m not complete without you. I’ll never want to leave you, ever. I hope the people who really need to hear that message that is being shouted out are listening.”

Husband: “You got that right, sweetie. You are the perfect wife. I can’t even imagine being angry with you, much less divorcing you. I’m crazy about you and always will be. You don’t ever have to worry about me leaving you! We know how to keep a promise when we make one.”

Response #3

Wife: “Obviously those screaming people have gone through something really awful, and I sure am sorry for them, but there is no way that they could convince me that God, or anyone else for that matter, would expect me to stay with my husband. I still care about him as a person, but I just don’t love him. I’m tired of living like roommates. I can’t take this anymore. I need to be cherished and desired by someone who appreciates me. Being divorced can’t be any more miserable than what I am living now. I know it will be hard on the kids at first, but they’ll adjust. I’m sure that, ‘Don’t divorce,’ message they’re screaming is fitting for someone in this city, but all I know is I need some relief.”

Her Best Friend: “Totally.”

I hope you can see where I am going with this. I realize no one gets married with the thought of divorce in mind. Every married person would agree with that, and yet approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce. Someone out there is wanting divorce.

When people get married, they are typically crazy-in-love with one another. They are GAGA goofy for their one and only. They cherish each other’s company. They will move heaven and earth to be with their beloved. They can’t imagine surviving without each other. I detect the drama in these words, but most of you reading this know that it’s true, and I know that it’s true. I know, because this was my story.

Young newlyweds, are you listening? This is especially written for you.

It was December of 1985 and Chris and I were engaged to be married (we had toyed with a June 1986 date if I remember right) when he drove with his mom and brothers to spend Christmas with his extended family in Mississippi. They were supposed to be gone for two weeks, but because of the death of a friend back in New Mexico they came home sooner. I’m not positive about the timeline, but I think they came home a few days earlier than they had originally planned. The point is, those were the longest days of our lives. We talked on the phone every day and whined about how much we missed each other and how incredibly miserable we were without the other there by our side.

I still remember him coming to my parents’ house immediately after they got back home. He bounced through our living room door, flashed me a big smile, crossed the room to where I was and gave me a warm hug and kiss and then said, “That’s the last time that’s ever happening again. The next time I go to Mississippi you are going with me, and you’ll be my wife.”

We started planning a wedding immediately. We were joined in holy matrimony on March 8, 1986, and that was none too soon for either of us. We didn’t have jobs or money, and we didn’t care. We had each other and enough love and commitment to last us a lifetime.

We stood before God and a church full of witnesses composed of our parents (sadly missing was Chris’s dad who died from cancer when Chris was in the 8^th grade), grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and closest friends, and we promised to love, honor, and cherish each other ‘til death parted us…and we meant it.

We were, what I call, GAGA goofy, head-over-heels-in-love with each other. For all of the young couples out there who never knew Chris and I as a couple back in the day, you may have a hard time imagining it. You may think, “Eeeww, that’s a little weird.” That may be, but I am telling you, we were nuts about each other, and now we are divorced from one another, and have been for seven years. It happens – even to people who started out deeply, madly, passionately in love with each other!

So, here is the takeaway. Just because you are nutso, crazy, GAGA goofy in love with your mate, or future mate, don’t think for one moment that divorce can’t come knocking on your happy little picket fence surrounded home. It’s not falling in love that is hard, it’s staying in love – keeping the love alive that is hard.

I said hard, not impossible.

You must make yourself a student of your spouse. Know what makes them feel loved and what makes them feel unloved. As Josh likes to say, “check-in” with them regularly. Ask them how they are feeling about your marriage – about how well you are loving them. I know it’s not very romantic, but if you don’t do these unromantic maintenance type things, you’ll really think unromantic when you’re spending a whole evening in the same room without speaking a word to each other because you’re so disconnected you don’t know what to say.

If your dream is to grow old with your bride or groom, then you better be willing to put the time and effort into doing the heavy lifting required to replace that GAGA goofy love (which doesn’t last forever – no matter who you are) with a solid and deeper love that only blood, sweat, tears, prayers, and communication can create. It’s messy and tiring at times, but it will bring a reward that nothing this side of heaven can compete with – a companion who shares life with you until life here on earth is no more.

“For it is not good for the man to be alone…” Genesis 2:18