Missy: The Bible is not enough

To borrow from Dr. Gary Chapman’s popular book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, my number one love language is acts of service and my first husband’s was physical touch, but neither of us knew anything about the five love languages (ignorance) until two months before I found out that he was in love with another woman (talk about bad timing). I really do believe that had we known about the love languages and had truly grasped the concept, we might still be married today, but that, my friend, is another article entirely. That book had been published and had been available for purchase since 1995 and this was 2003, so why hadn’t we been clued in to this extremely helpful book on marriage?

Chris and I didn’t read marriage books because we didn’t need them (arrogance). We were devout Christians. After all, he was a pastor. We made a promise at the altar that we meant. We would never have to worry about marriage troubles, much less divorce. We were committed to God and each other and divorce was simply not an option. The Bible was the only book for us! Those self-help books were all just a crutch for the weak and lukewarm Christians (arrogance, arrogance, arrogance). Arg! If only I could go back, but I can’t. What I can do is tell others about my stupid mistakes with the hope that they won’t do the same.

“The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance – it’s the illusion of knowledge.” By Daniel J. Boorstin.

I am a teacher by profession. I taught elementary school for ten years before quitting to travel with Josh and present teacher-training seminars to preschool and children’s Sunday school leaders. I try to imagine what the New Mexico and Louisiana Boards of Education would have said if I had marched my confident self into their offices to get a state issued teaching certificate without any formal education in that field. They would’ve laughed me right out of the building all the way down those cold hard granite steps right into my car and sent me on my merry way, because they know that in order to be a qualified teacher who will someday be successful at teaching, I must have some education in that area. I think it is safe to say that they would not have bought the explanation, “But I am a devoted Christian with a sincere heart to succeed. I read the Bible and pray every day and I go to church whenever the doors open. Because Jesus Christ was the Master Teacher, I believe all I need to do to be a great teacher is to follow Jesus’ example and everything will be fine.”

Now, you may be thinking, “Hold on, Missy. Teaching kids in our schools and being married are two entirely different things. You are comparing a tiger to an octopus here.” I would agree that you are mostly right, but what they do both have in common is this. When you set out to do something that you have never done before, and it is highly important that you do well at that thing, you might want to educate yourself as to how to do that thing before you dive in with a cocky attitude and a smug assurance that your passion alone is enough to, not only get through that thing ,but that you will thrive and be wildly successful at that thing.

You know, the truth is, I believe that as a Christian who does read the Bible and prays every day, and has studied the Master Teacher’s methods, I am a better teacher than I would have been had I only gotten my degree at NMSU. I also know that there are countless things I learned about teaching at the college of education that I would have never learned if the Bible had been my only manual – things that have helped me teach many children and adults, both in the public school setting as well as in the church. That does not mean that the Bible isn’t an amazing book. What it does mean is that the Bible is not the only book in life that we need to read in order to be successful in our careers and in our relationships. My belief is that if you never read the Bible, you would not be successful – period, but if you read only the Bible and nothing else, you would not be as successful as you could be.

Even if we were talking strictly about the Christian life per se, I would still argue that you need more than the Bible to be truly successful. If we didn’t believe that, then why in the world would we hire preachers, who are called by God, to preach? If the Bible was all we needed, why would Paul have told the older women to teach the younger, in the book of Titus? If the Bible is all we need then why don’t we just all sit at the house, pull our Bibles out and read them and live happily ever after? We don’t do that because that is not the way God intended our lives to be lived. His plan was not for it to be one man, one God and one Book. In Proverbs 27:17 it says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” We need each other to figure out how to best live out the truths of the Bible. We do better when we are willing to admit that others can help us along as we navigate the journey of life. We have so much to learn. Obviously, I am speaking of teaching that augments what the Bible has to say on the subject, not the nonsense that flies in the face of truth.

There are many smart Christian people out there who have given their lives to study relationships and marriage. Many of them have some incredibly helpful and insightful things to say on the topic. I was not born knowing everything I needed to know in order to be a great teacher, and none of us are born knowing all we need to know to be great spouses either. Being deeply in love with your spouse on your wedding night is not enough to get you happily and successfully to the end of your life and marriage with this person. You may “hang in there” until death parts you without educating yourself about how to be a better spouse, but I’m not talking about just “hanging in there”, I want you to have an incredible, vibrant marriage.

So, all that to say this: Reading marriage books is an awesome idea. Reading blog entries is a wonderful way to learn how to do or not do marriage. Going to marriage conferences and seminars in a grand plan for enriching the most important earthly relationship you will ever have. Become a student of your spouse and your marriage relationship.

I like to think that I somewhat of an intelligent person, but when I ponder my way of thinking during marriage number one, I wish I could go back in time, look myself square in the face, and just knock the happy _________ (you pick a word…go ahead) out of myself and yell, “Wake up, sister! This deal is headed south and you know it. Do something about it. Do something different! What you are doing isn’t working! Don’t settle.”

Ah, the if onlys.

None of that is possible though, and so here I am, almost seven years into marriage number two. I am working hard at being a better wife than I was before I began this marriage. And by working hard, I don’t mean just setting my mind to the task, gritting my teeth, and crossing my fingers. I am working hard by doing many of the things I wish I had done the first time around. I (along with my husband) read books and articles on marriage. We consider the latest scientific research that is being done in the field of marriage. I participate in classes and studies on marriage when they are afforded me. Josh and I have listened to radio programs dedicated to marriage. More than once, while driving from one speaking event to another, we have taken the time to stop at a LifeWay Christian Bookstore to purchase an audio book about building stronger relationships with your spouse. All of that is great, but it wouldn’t help at all if we didn’t follow-up with discussion and commit to one another to implement some of the things we’ve heard. We have honest and sometimes uncomfortable talks about what we read and hear on marriage. We ask each other questions about what the speaker says. Because at the end of the day, if I don’t know how to specifically apply what I have learned to my relationship with Josh Hunt, then all I have done is added more knowledge to the gray matter. Not very helpful in and of itself. We both realize that to be good at marriage takes lots of time, effort, and energy. Being a great spouse to your spouse is something that must be learned.

I am aware that all of this talk of learning and reading and listening doesn’t sound very romantic. It sounds a lot like work if we all get honest about it. It’s just a whole lot more dreamy to think that you are a natural at all of this stuff. To admit that you don’t know how to love your spouse well on your own is a little bit embarrassing! Trust me when I say that it is better to suffer a little embarrassment now, then devastating heartbreak later. The only thing that comes naturally to us is to love ourselves well, and that, my friend, is a huge contributor to the problems we experience in marriage. We need to learn to move from the me-centered life we’ve always known, to a we-centered life.

“How do I do that?” you might ask. Here is a start: Pick up a book and begin discovering how to be a better spouse. We all have to start somewhere. Why don’t you enter the world of marriage enrichment today by admitting that you want to be a lifelong student of your spouse and of marriage? So, grab those keys and let’s head to the bookstore right now…come on, no excuses. There is a marriage book that has your name on it – you just need to go out and find it. Oh, and just by the way, if you don’t own a Bible, I’d start with that one.