Why divorce is so painful
January 26, 2011 2 Comments
I have a friend who died recently. He was 52 years old. He was the pastor of First Baptist Church, Corsicana, TX. He was suddenly killed in a tragic head-on collision. He left a wife and three children behind. He was to go to China the next week and pick up his new adopted daughters.
They had two services for David–one at his current church, and one at his previous church. People flew in from all over the country to express their condolences. His Facebook page filled with macabre letters written to the dead. It seemed everyone who had ever known him wanted to say goodbye and Facebook was an available avenue.
The outpouring of love and support in a tragedy like this is as predictable as it is needed, appreciated and appropriate. What is odd is how little goes to the divorced. An awkward, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say” is about all you can expect.
Yet, in the years that have passed since my divorce, I have heard of many tragic deaths. Each time, my instinctual, gut reaction is, “I wish it were me.” I would trade places with them in a heartbeat. Of course, the sane side of me would not wish it on my kids, but as for me, I would far rather be widowed than divorced.
The thing that makes divorce so painful–at least for the jilted one–is that sense that someone did this to me on purpose. David’s wife can comfort her wound with the knowledge that, “He loved me till the end.” I have to live with the reality that the one who knew me best didn’t want to be with me anymore. Rejection is a bitter, bitter pill.
It is a loss that is very hard to get over completely. It’s not that you want to hang on to the pain, and in my opinion, it’s not about forgiveness. I have forgiven my first husband for the pain I experienced due to his leaving me, but forgetting is very hard…..especially when you have kids together. As Josh has said many times, “It really is ’til death do you part when you have kids.”
I have thought this exact thing many, many, many, many times going through my separation and divorce. I would much rather be a widow than rejected, unloved, divorced.