Making decisions together predicts happiness in marriage
January 27, 2011 Leave a comment
Jack was considering buying a used blue Honda. The car seemed like a great deal since the seller, Phil, had only owned it for a month. The car was for sale because Phil’s company was suddenly transferring him to London. Jack liked the car’s handling and power, not to mention the state-of-the-art sound system. He was ready to do a deal, but first, he told Phil, he wanted a mechanic to check the car. “Why?” said Phil. “It’s really a new car. It only has three hundred miles, and you get the manufacturer’s warranty.”
“True,” said Jack, “but I promised my wife I wouldn’t buy a car without having it inspected first.”
Phil gave Jack a withering look. “You let your wife tell you what to do about cars?” he asked.
“Sure,” said Jack. “Don’t you?”
“Well, no. I don’t—didn’t. I’m divorced,” said Phil.
“Well,” Jack chuckled. “Maybe that’s why.”
Jack had the car checked by his mechanic, and it turned out that the rear bumper needed to be replaced, so he never bought Phil’s car. But more importantly, he never bought Phil’s attitude toward women. Jack has made his wife a partner in his decision making. He respects and honors his wife and her opinions and feelings. He understands that for his marriage to thrive, he has to share the driver’s seat.
There was a time when Phil’s macho attitude wasn’t necessarily a liability for a husband. But our data suggest that this is no longer the case. In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, now in its eighth year, we have found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives’ influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.
--The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
