HOW MY LOVE OF SHOES COULD HAVE HELPED SAVE MY FIRST MARRIAGE

Okay, it’s time to fess up. I have way too many shoes. I mean WAY too many. I have a thing for shoes. And I’m talkin ‘bout all kinds of shoes. I am an equal opportunity shoe buyer. I show very little favoritism when it comes to shoes that I will purchase and wear. I own high heeled shoes, boots, tennis shoes (not so much into tennis, sorry, Josh), flats, slippers, sandals, flip flops, mules, sling backs, pumps, mary janes, espadrilles, wedges (hang in there men, I know I lost most of you at mules), loafers, clogs, peep toes, and moccasins. The one “shoe” I have never slipped my foot into, and I so wish that I had, was my ex-husband, Chris’s shoes. Of course I am speaking figuratively here. What wife hasn’t slipped her hubby’s size 10’s on as a matter of convenience because his are closer to the back door than her own, as she traipses outside to the dumpster?

Have you ever heard the saying, “Put yourself in someone else’s shoes.”? The often quoted adage is referring to a person being able to have empathy towards another. One thing divorce taught me about marriage is that you need to learn how to be empathetic towards your spouse. If you don’t try to feel their pain, you’ll never do what is necessary to help relieve it.

Empathy (noun) – the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

My lack of empathy towards Chris’s needs was clearly a contributing factor to the demise of our marriage. I can’t prove that if I had tried to better understand what it was like to be him that we would still be married. I’ll never know, but I do know this, I wish I would have tried everything in my power to make our marriage better. At least I wouldn’t have so many regrets. I now know I should have tried harder and dug deeper to find help. Help from somewhere from someone on how to be a better wife. I was usually too angry and full of resentment over my own unmet needs, that I never stopped to think about how he was feeling over his.

This will be one of the shortest pieces I will write, because there is not that much to say on this simple, yet important and helpful topic. Here is the point. Instead of always focusing on yourself, make a shift. I know it seems like an incredibly difficult thing to do, but I believe that if you will take the high road and make the first move to do what is good and right for your mate, it will have a positive domino effect on the entire marriage. And may I rant for a moment and say, if it doesn’t have the positive effect you had hoped for, stay married anyway! Yes, it’s hard and no, it may not be what you dreamed of, but as the song, Dancing in the Minefields, says, “That’s what the promise is for.”

I liked what “Psychocounselor” had to say on E-How.com in their article about empathy:

1. Empathy is about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.If someone is telling me something that is painful for that person, but I have never been through it, I try to remember a similar situation that made me feel like that.
2. Empathy is about listening, not just hearing. Hearing is simply the act of perceiving sound by the ear. Listening, however, is something you consciously choose to do. Listening requires concentration so that your brain processes meaning from words and sentences. Listening leads to learning, which translates into understanding when, referring to human relationships.
3. Empathy is about paying attention. Try to have eye contact and open body language, even if the other person is not looking at you, still look in their direction. If this is a person who is close enough to you, hold their hand, have open body language by directing your body towards the body of the other person.
4. Do not offer answers or solutions unless you are asked for them. If there is something that interferes with empathy it is rushing into quick solutions. Most people only need to be listened to and validated.
5. Empathy is about practicing. Many people come to me and tell me that they really care about their spouse, but they can’t stand when they start complaining about the same things over and over. Empathy is a muscle and you will only develop it by practicing. It doesn’t mean that you have to do it all the time or listen to them without stopping. Decide to listen to them for a certain amount of time but remember that during that time is 100% about them. Be sure to stop politely when you have reached your limit.

From where I am sitting tonight, these five steps seem to be a great place to begin learning how to be more empathetic towards your spouse. I certainly can’t imagine them harming your relationship. What have you got to lose? As Marshall Rosenberg said,

“When we understand the needs that motivate our own and other’s behavior, we have no enemies.”

Wouldn’t we all agree that we want our spouse to be a friend and not an enemy?

Matthew 7:12 – “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”