If he is having an affair, don’t make matters worse

I love James Dobson’s book Love Must Be Tough. Here is an excerpt

Only those who have been rejected by a beloved spouse or lover can fully comprehend the tidal wave of sorrow that crashes into one’s life when a loss is threatened. Nothing else matters. There are no consoling thoughts. The future is without interest or hope. Emotions swing wildly from despair to acceptance and back again. If one word must be selected to describe the entire experience, it would be something equivalent to panic.

Since panic is the characteristic response to rejection, imagine how much more distressing a loss is felt when a new and perhaps younger lover is brought into the picture! Nothing in human experience can compare with the agony of knowing that the person to whom you pledged eternal devotion has betrayed your trust and is now engaged in sexual intimacies with a “stranger”… a competitor…a more beautiful or handsome playmate. Death itself would be easier to tolerate than being tossed aside like an old shoe. Those who have experienced such a loss tell me that the most painful aspect is their own loneliness—knowing that their unfaithful partner is comforted in the embrace of another. How desperately Christian counsel is needed by those who awaken to the awful knowledge that adultery has taken residence in their homes!

In the absence of that guidance, a rejected man or woman often reacts in ways that make matters worse. Just as a drowning person exhausts himself in a desperate attempt to grasp anything that floats, including his rescuer, the panic-stricken lover typically tries to grab and hold the one who is attempting to escape. I have witnessed the scenario a thousand times. Supercharged emotions zip up and down a roller coaster of extremes.

Death itself would be easier to tolerate than being tossed aside like an old shoe.

Upon disclosure that the marriage (or premarital relationship) is over, the first reaction is almost sure to be one of utter shock and disbelief. That is followed by weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, giving way to begging and pleading for forgiveness and restoration. When that too is rejected, a bargaining period ensues. The person promises to be a better lover, to be more considerate, to quit work or to go to work or to bring flowers more often or to have a baby or whatever is perceived to be important to the disenchanted mate. Suggestions are made that they both seek counseling assistance, but the offer is almost always declined by the one whose mind is already settled. Then when all negotiations prove futile, an angry stage is often entered, perhaps eliciting every mean and hostile thought that the victim has harbored. A man may threaten to inflict bodily harm on his ex-lover during this phase, and sometimes succeeds in doing so. With or without violence, the hostility of this terrible ordeal is ventilated in a period of wrath, ending in physical and emotional exhaustion. Then a brief time of acceptance occurs, after which grief and sorrow return like an unwelcome visitor who so recently came to call. Finally, the cycle repeats itself on a revolving merry-go-round of misery.

With the reader’s indulgence, I will continue to include letters that illustrate the circumstances I am attempting to describe. It is the best way I know to make the words come to life. These are the thoughts and feelings of real people who have been through the turbulent waters I have described. Faye is such a person whose panic has led her to plead and bargain with her husband. She wrote:

Dear Dr. Dobson:

I’m writing to you regarding my marriage. My husband gave me the bad news earlier this year, telling me he no longer loved me. He told me of his plans to leave soon. Well, I begged and pleaded with him to stay with me, and he did for a while. Then one night he became so cruel and said many mean things before walking out.

Ever since he left, for some odd reason, I humiliate myself every time I see him. I beg him to call the kids and me. He’ll say, “I don’t want to talk to you!” I tell him how much I love him, and he’ll reply, “I have no love for you! I don’t hate you, but I don’t love you either.” That hurts me so much!

I’ve asked Joe to see a counselor, but he said he doesn’t need any help from anyone. He doesn’t even care about the marriage. He only wants his freedom. He says he wants to go to Pennsylvania where he can get a better job in the mining business.

So what do you think the problem is? We’ve been married eleven years, and we have two beautiful children. The odd thing is that we never did fight or argue very much. It just seems that he slowly turned against me and changed his mind about being my husband. Have you ever seen cases such as this?

Now something awful has happened. I went to the doctor recently, and he told me I’m going to have to have surgery on my eye, and I could lose my vision. I’ll be going into the hospital next week. I just couldn’t help it, Dr. Dobson. I broke down and called my husband again, but he was indifferent to the news. He quietly asked me if I had made any arrangements for the kids and if I had someone to take me to the hospital. I asked if he would take me and then stay in the waiting room while I had the surgery. Joe hesitated and then said, “Well, I guess so.”

What must I do to get Joe to love me again? He has told me over and over that nothing could make him care for me like before. I have cried and begged him to come home. I’ve told him how badly we need him. I’ve tried being nice. That doesn’t help either. I’ve told him I’m afraid and I need him especially now, and he says, “I’m sorry. The timing is bad.”

Is it likely that we will end up in a divorce? Joe has asked for one but I’ve refused. I still have hopes that we can get back together. I told him that and he said, “Can’t you get it through your head that I’ll never love you again?”

We used to do everything together, but now it’s all over. I keep calling my husband because if I don’t, he would never call me. Next Monday is a holiday; he didn’t ask what the kids and I were doing, so I asked if he would spend the day with us. He acted so smart and said, “If I have nothing else to do…” Should I ignore him? If I do, I’ll never see him again.

Dr. Dobson, please help me. Tell me what to do. I love Joe so much!

Faye

Though I understand the compulsion that drives Faye to plead for Joe’s attention and love, she is systematically destroying the last glimmer of hope for a reconciliation. She has stripped herself of all dignity and self-respect, crawling on her belly like a subservient puppy before her master. The more Joe insults her and spurns her advances, the more intensely she seems to want and need him. That is, in fact, the way the system works.

The message Faye is giving her husband can be summarized thus: “Oh, Joe, I need you so badly. I can’t make it without you. I spend my days waiting for you to call and am crushed when the phone doesn’t ring. Won’t you please, please, let me talk to you occasionally? You see, Joe, I’ll take you any way I can have you, even if you want to walk all over me. I am desperate here without you.”

She has stripped herself of all dignity and self-respect.

Linda, whose letter I shared in the first chapter, has given precisely the same message to her unfaithful husband. In her case, however, the panic even led her to invite the other woman into her bedroom. What a pitiful expression of low self-esteem and inadequacy. My heart aches for her and for the millions of others facing similar sorrows. Linda and Faye have brought us now to an extremely important and well-known principle of human relationships: panic often leads to appeasement, which is virtually never successful in seeking to control the behavior of others.

Love Must be Tough (James C. Dobson)