How to improve a sexless marriage
February 9, 2011 Leave a comment
Sex won’t solve all of your marital problems, but it will certainly help. The simple act of having sex—even when you’re not in the mood—harnesses your body’s brain chemistry, unleashing the chemicals vasopressin and oxytocin. These are powerful bonding chemicals. In studies of monogamous mice, just injecting a male mouse with vasopressin made him more attentive to a female mouse, even though he hadn’t actually mated with her.
Experts tell low-desire couples to have sex even if they don’t want to. After about five minutes of going through the motions, sexual activity will release the bonding chemicals and you are likely to even start enjoying yourself.
This is difficult advice to follow for many couples once they’ve allowed their sex lives to wane. A woman wrote to me once and told me her marriage became sexless after she had children. She was the one who had lost interest, and the couple had begun discussing divorce. A marriage counselor told her sternly that if she wanted to save her marriage, she needed to start having sex twice a week whether she wanted to or not.
“I hated this advice,” she says. “What about my needs? But I followed it anyway. I forced myself, and you know what? I loved it, he loved it, and our marriage loved it.”
For couples who are struggling to reignite their sex life, experts have several suggestions. It may just be that you need time away from kids and work stress—scheduling a regular date night might be the answer. Or you may need to start slower, holding hands and cuddling and working to restore intimacy.
A marriage counselor might help you identify the issues that are interfering with your sex life. Some studies show that problems at work can lead to a loss of interest in sex. Unfairness about the division of chores in the home can impact a couple’s sex life. A medical checkup might also be in order—a number of health issues ranging from heart disease, depression, diabetes, menopause, and medication side effects, among others, can take a toll on your sex life. Couples retreats are another way for couples to work on their sex lives.
In a study of sixty-five couples who had been married an average of twenty-four years, sex therapist Linda Banner discovered a simple but effective solution. For two out of three couples, the use of educational sex videos was enough to recharge their sex lives.199
Over time, regular sex can improve your mood, make you more patient, damp down anger, and lead to a better, more contented relationship.
THE LESSON: Forget the lesson. Put down this book and go have sex with your husband or wife.
