Divorce from a kid’s perspective: Bittersweet romance
February 15, 2011 1 Comment
The period of sixth through eighth grade can be solidifying in the live of a preteen. Adolescence and change bring about their own problems, but conflict and dysfunction add to the bitterness. Having worked with hundreds of children, I can see those who have “made it” and those who have not. There seems to be an overwhelming success rate from those who have supportive, concretely married parents. While not all succeed, parental stability has a positive correlation to happiness and self-image.
This section deals with the emergence of a young man. He emerges into awareness of the opposite sex and begins to refocus his locus of comfort from the family to his peers. Young men pattern their behaviors after the examples they have seen at home. Young men pattern their treatment of women after the example set by their father. Some are good examples, some are bad examples, some examples are missing. I was blessed enough to have a surrogate at-home father in my grandfather. Later, my step-father was a full-time example. My father was a part-time example. While none were perfect, I had the option of choosing the best of all in order to formulate my opinion of manhood. Most children do not have this unique situation following a divorce. Most wind up without an example of a father at home or have an extremely poor example. In spite of having three examples, I did not feel complete, just confused.
There were times when I was tempted to find happiness in unwholesome things. I realize that this can happen to any child, and I know that exploration seems to occur in preteens and adolescents, but I felt like I wasn’t whole or complete. I would venture to friends houses and envy the fact that they had the “original pair” of parents. I wanted to find out what it was like “on the other side” of the battlefield, as well, so one day, I moved in with my father.
Diary Entries
1. “Sixth grade. Mom got married this past summer. We were in a fight between Dad and Mom over how much money Dad had to pay, among other things. After a long battle, it seemed to everyone that the solution was for Mom to marry her boyfriend. He’s not my Dad, but I do know what a step-parent is.
I saw her again today. Not Mom, that girl. I was too scared to speak to her so I just told people I liked her. They told her and she doesn’t like me. Oh well, not my type. I wonder who is?”
2. “Joining band was a good thing. In elementary school, I tried a bunch of sports, but I really stank! I’m good at music. My step-father was good at music, my mom was good at music, my dad was good at music. I think they all like the fact that I’m into music. Huh, finally something they all agree on. I don’t guess we’ll have to go to court over this one.
My brother? He’s doing o.k. for a little kid. I’ve got music and drama, too! I can do this stuff! My brother? Oh, yeah, I told you he’s doing o.k.”
3. “Eighth grade…finally. I got a girlfriend. I don’t know how to act around her, but I got a girlfriend. I guess my parents aren’t going to fill me in on the old “birds and bees” stuff. I think they’re all waiting on the other ones to do it. Oh well, I’ve learned it all from my friends and some other sources. Who needs parents?
Dad moved back into town. He invited me to live with him. I’ve never really lived with him, before. He’s got a new baby, now. I wonder what it would be like to actually live with your dad? I’ve gotta try it…he’s in town, now. I could always go back if it didn’t work out.
Mom was furious! She cried and everything when I told her I wanted to live with Dad. I left anyway. I just took my stuff and left. My brother? He’s still there, with Mom and my step-dad. He’ll be o.k. I’ve just gotta see what it’s like.”
4. “I’ve been living with Dad six months now. I’m going back. I just had to see what it was like. Now everybody’s mad at me again. Everybody except my brother…he’s happy that I’m home.”
It seems that every young man seeks the approval of his father. (It’s almost theological in nature, isn’t it?) In any case, men see the formation of themselves in the examples set by their father. In my case, I had to try it. Living with him would not be substituted by anything else. He was my father, and I had to find out.
Behavioral psychologists say that this modeling is normal. In fact, it is this initiation into manhood and the approval of a father that is missing in many homosexuals and sexually dysfunctional men. If they never find the approval of their fathers, they seek male attention and acceptance from other sources. If they saw their father abusing their mother, they abuse their girlfriends and wives. Being an example for young sons is a primary role for any father.
Kevin Garrett
onyourmark@bellsouth.net
http://www.facebook.com/kevinleegarrett
Thanks for your honesty Kevin! My parents didn’t divorce until I was 38 years old and it was still unbelievable painful. My dad wasn’t all I wished he would have been (and my kids probably say the same thing about me), but he was the man that God gave me. I liked the movie “Road to Perdition” and what it says about dads. For the bulk of the movie the star, a young teen, and his dad have been on an adventure to avenge the death of his mother and brother and his dad is determined to not let his son follow him into a life of crime. In the closing scene the young man is looking out at the ocean right after his father is killed by the mob and you hear him in a voice over saying, “People ask me, ‘Was your dad a good man or was there no good in him at all?’ and I just tell them, “He was my dad”. Sometimes that is the best answer.