Gary Thomas on how to have a great marriage

The essence of Christianity is found in Philippians 2. There Paul urges us to do nothing (it’s these absolutist words that can make Scripture so troubling) “out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3–4).

Paul escalates this teaching by calling us to emulate Christ Jesus, who, though he was “in very nature God,…made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant” (Philippians 2:6–7).

To be a Christian is to be a self-volunteering servant. It is not sufficient to merely voice our assent to a few choice doctrines. We are called to act in such a way that we put others above ourselves. We are expressly forbidden from exalting ourselves for the sole purpose of furthering our own comfort or fame. Otto Piper nails the marriage relationship’s potential to create a servant heart in us when he describes marriage as “a reciprocal willingness of two persons to assume responsibility for each other.”1

It’s precisely this servant call that makes marriage so beneficial spiritually—and so difficult personally. When I asked my wife to marry me, I was just twenty-two years old. My decision was based almost entirely on what I thought she would bring to the marriage. She looked good; we had fun together; she loved the Lord. And my suspicion is that her thoughts were running in the same direction: Can this guy support me? Do I find him attractive? Would he be a good father?

These aren’t bad questions to ask, but once the ceremony is over, if we want to enter a truly Christian marriage, we have to turn 180 degrees and ask ourselves, “How can I serve my mate?”

For much of the past century this was a question that most Christian men didn’t take all that seriously. It was assumed that the wife would unilaterally serve her husband in virtually all matters. Even though our culture is now challenging this view, a few men are still so abhorred by the thought of serving their wives that they have decided to go outside the United States to find what amounts to a slave-bride.

A company called Cherry Blossoms feeds off the poverty of the Philippines (annual per-capita income in 1997 was $1,160) to offer “matchmaking” services between older American males and young (sometimes extremely young) Filipino women. The men pay to receive a catalogue titled Island Blossoms, which has photographs and brief personal sketches of available women. They then pay Cherry Blossoms another fee for the women’s addresses.

My decision was based almost entirely on what I thought she would bring to the marriage.

The men offer the women a way out of the highly populated and muddy squatters’ towns that are populated by houses as small as walk-in closets. But this “salvation” comes at a price. One man sent a two-page, single-spaced contract to a prospective bride that read, in part:

Your primary function in life is to serve me…. Your secondary function is to be a model mother…but never to the extent that it will conflict with proper attention to me…. You will rise approximately at 6:00 A.M. After going to the bathroom, brushing your teeth, combing your hair, cleaning your face with alcohol or Seabreeze, you will wake the children…. Each day there will be absolute order in the house by the time that I arrive…. You will clean your face no less-than three times a day…. You will immediately reply VERBALLY when I speak to you…. When we make love, I expect that you do so at any and all times and with enthusiasm.2

Another man seemed determined to find the most desperate bride so that she would be extremely agreeable sexually once she got into the States. In a letter to one interested young woman, he wrote: “There are two young ladies…who have written that they would do ANYTHING for me…if only I gave them a chance to be my permanent partner and, of course, the opportunity to come to the United States with me. Tell me, Vilma, how do you feel about that?…Would you do anything I ask?” He then mentions a particular sexual activity and writes, “My preference is [for a] partner [who] would be willing, able, and skillful enough to perform that activity for me, at any time.”

This attitude is so offensive to the spirit of Christianity and Christian marriage, it borders on being nothing but lifetime prostitution. Because the man has the money, he wants to buy the woman’s services—for a lifetime, instead of for a night, but buy them nonetheless. Sex is something he expects to receive, not something he plans to give. Perhaps it’s not so surprising that one young “Cherry Blossom” bride complained that on her wedding night, “it felt like rape.”

– Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? (Gary Thomas)