Still thinking of divorce?
February 23, 2011 Leave a comment
For those of you doing the divorcing, I would encourage you to consider this. In all my years of practice, I have rarely seen anyone leave a marriage and go on to the next relationship without the same issues resurfacing on some level. Take my advice. Do everything you can to repair your current relationship. Divorce only delays the inevitable work.
Here’s an example. A couple came in for marital counseling determined to divorce. Neither felt they could work through their differences. There was too much hurtful history, too many issues of trust and too much damage. I admit, they both had suffered greatly at the hand of the other, and the work to shape up their relationship would be major. But it was obvious to me that if they didn’t make changes now, these same problems would resurface down the road.
I asked if they would give me eight weeks to identify their problems and provide strategies for change. From my experience, most divorcing couples are so busy blaming each other that they haven’t clearly identified their own contribution to the problems. Usually this involves believing a lie. When they finally recognize and admit their part, change begins. Sometimes for the first time a couple will understand exactly why (the lie) they are doing what they are doing. Once the lie is identified, they are responsible to change. My job is to open their eyes and give them tools. But I can’t make people do the work.
The couple I was counseling had a choice-address issues now with the current spouse, or do the work later with new players.
They declined my offer and divorced. Five years later, now married to new spouses, each one contacted me separately again. Both remembered my prediction and admitted the same problems were resurfacing in the new relationships. The original wife was on her third marriage, and jokingly said, “I guess on the third strike I’m out, so let’s start dealing with my issues.”
The husband, brought to therapy by his second wife, was surprised to hear her say, “I’m starting to realize why his first wife left him. I was pretty naive to think he wouldn’t act the same with me.” Finally! It was time to tackle the issues. Each regretted not doing this earlier with their original spouses.
It’s a rare person who comes to my office and says, “I’m having marital problems. Let’s talk about what I’m doing to make matters worse.”
