Sex from a woman’s perspective

My husband, Josh, wrote “Sex From a Guy’s Perspective.” I felt I needed to give a woman’s point-of-view, just to balance things out. I am sure that what I have to say isn’t anything new to the women who are reading, but hopefully there are some men who have picked this book up (probably after your wife “encouraged” you to do so) and are reading it with an attitude of teachability. I can only hope.

So, let’s just dive right in. Here’s the thing guys. Know this, we love you. We really do. I think this is where our trouble between the sexes about sex begins. Men think it is a simple formula that goes something like this:

I love her and want to have sex with her often because that is what people who are in love do, so if she really loved me, she’d want to have sex with me as much as I want to have sex with her. Therefore, if she doesn’t want to have sex with me as often as I want to have sex with her, she must not love me as much as I love her.

Wrong.

It is true that not all men think this way, but if you wish your wife wanted to have more sex than she does, and you’re feeling a bit unloved because of her lack of enthusiasm in this area, I would strongly urge you to read a book, or more than one book, that gives a good explanation of the vast differences between men and women when it comes to sex. A couple of books I would recommend are: Mars and Venus in the Bedroom by John Gray and Sheet Music by Kevin Leman.

I’m guessing that most women are very aware of the physiological differences between men and women. I understand that men really do NEED that sexual release and fairly often. Their bodies were created in such a way that requires them to release their testosterone on a regular basis. When they don’t get the release they need, they tend to get quite irritable and grumpy. No one wants to live with a grouch.

Already, we can see a simple solution to this dilemma. Give men all of the sex they want. Then they will be happy! Right? Well, it isn’t so simple when you consider the typical sex drive of most women.

Women, unlike men, normally do not require near as much sex as men do (there are always exceptions). Gals can go for a much longer time without sex, as compared to a man, and nothing bad will happen. Men get irritable, restless and grumpy when they go too long without sex. Women might get in a bad mood too, but the problem is, the discrepancy between what women and men consider “too long” without it. I know some women who could go without having sex for as long as it takes for a man to notice that his wife redecorated the living room.

Our bodies are very, very different that way. I have wondered more than once why God made us this way. Wouldn’t there be a lot fewer arguments in marriage if both spouses had the same, or about the same, sex drive? If sex weren’t a part of the marriage “package” would men even want to marry us? Too many questions with too few answers. Oh well, once we’re in heaven we’ll have eternity to talk to God about the things we couldn’t figure out down here. For now, let’s move on.

So, if women know that their husbands desperately need sex, then why in the world, if they love their men, aren’t they willing to give and give and give in this department? Are we all just mean, hateful shrews who like holding this “treasure” over men’s heads to remind them of the power we have? Are we all like an elementary school friend I used to have who would buy a treat at our school store on Fridays like the rest of us, but while the majority of us ripped into our candy like little beasts and ate them immediately, she would simply sit and watch us. Then, about an hour or so later, when all of our candies were nothing more than a sweet memory, she would pull her candy out, unwrap it very slowly and eat it at a pace that was even slower than the unwrapping, so that all of us gluttons could watch and drool as she was the only one enjoying her coveted confection. I kid you not! I am convinced to this day that she did that on purpose. She liked to flaunt that she had more self-control than the rest of us after first purchasing our treat, and she loved seeing everyone gawk at her eating while we had nothing left but crumpled wrappers and soggy ended lollipop sticks. I thought that was just pure evil.

Some of the men out there think that about their wives. They think we are pure evil for not being on call 24/7 to make them happy. About now, I am guessing that some of you women are really appreciating what I just said. I’m probably getting some affirmative nods and “amens” from my female fans. Don’t get too happy with me ladies. I’m headed for a transition that you might not be quite as supportive of at first, but your husband is hoping I can change your mind.

Not only is your husband praying for you to have a shift in your thinking on this subject, but I am too. Unfortunately, there are too many women out there who have found out the hard way that if a man gets unhappy with his wife because he feels that she is not meeting his needs sexually, he becomes very vulnerable to the flirtatious advances of other women. You may think your man is a “rock” who is committed to you no matter what may come, and you KNOW that he would never do that to you. All I can say about that kind of thinking is:” You better think again, sister!” I used to think that way too, and it all ended with a note on the kitchen counter saying, “I can’t live like this anymore,” and he was gone for good. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Ladies, don’t be the fool I was. The fact that you are married to your man tells me that you were/are attracted to your man, and what that means is that he is bound to be attractive to other women too. I don’t care if your husband has a shiny bald spot on the back of his head and a “love handle” that covers the cool belt buckle he won at the rodeo twenty years ago. There are women out there who would love to take your place. These women are everywhere. You can find them at work, your children’s ball games, church activities, social gatherings, and the like. They would be overjoyed to accommodate your husband in areas that you won’t, and because men have such an enormous sexual appetite, they will be tempted in this area if you are not taking care of them.

I am not promising you that it is one hundred percent certain that all men who are tempted will cave in to the temptation. My husband talked to a guy once who told him that his wife had kept him on the sex-once-a-quarter plan for years. Basically, this guy got sex every three months from his wife, and as unbelievable as it sounds, he never cheated on her. Wow! Even I, as a woman, realize that he should have gotten some kind of medal for putting up with that. So, all sexually deprived guys don’t end up cheating or leaving their wives for another woman. But how do you know whether or not your husband is like that longsuffering guy who deserves a medal or not? We can’t look into a crystal ball and see whether or not our man is or is not a potential cheater. My advice is this: assume he will cheat if you don’t give him what he needs. That may sound unchristian to you, and if it does, so be it. I’ll tell you what is even more unchristian than that: ADULTERY and DIVORCE!

To answer the question I eluded to earlier, “Are women just pure evil?” I would say, “NO,” we are not pure evil, but we are different than men, and because some men aren’t getting what they so desperately need from their wives, many of them assume their women are simply being mean and hateful. So, if we aren’t evil then why not just give our men what they want whenever they want it and keep them happy? You must understand a little more about our gender to “get” this, so read on and hopefully I will help you obtain a better view of this topic from the female perspective.

What Does the Bible Say?

Because I know that men need lots and lots of sex, and if they don’t get it they become very frustrated. And because I am certain that frustrated people are not nice people to live with. And because I believe that wives do love their husbands and want to keep those husbands in their lives until death parts them. And because the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:1- 5:

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” ² But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. ³ The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. ⁵ Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

We women should be willing to meet this very important need in our husband’s lives whenever they need it met. He needs to know that I am his and he can have me anytime he needs me. Whether we like it or not, or agree with it or not, the Bible is telling us that our bodies are not our own and we have no right to refuse our husbands the sex they want. A Christian wife does not have the privilege of saying to her husband, “I reject you sexually!” To do so would be a sin.

Women, are you totally confused? Men, are you saying, “Yipee!”? Read on.

So Why Don’t Christian Wives Follow This Biblical Principal?

If we know what we should be doing for our husbands, then why don’t we? If this is so plainly stated in the Bible, then why are there so many Christian couples who have conflict in the bedroom? To be more straightforward, why do many Christian couples argue over how much sex to have? If the women truly love their husbands and know they have this incredible need, why all the fuss? Why would they ever turn him down?

As crucial as it is for women to understand how badly their husbands need sex, men also need to understand something about their women and sex. From my perspective, there is something equally crucial for men to comprehend about their wives when it comes to this topic.

For women, sex is the most beautiful and intimate expression of love that exists. When a person feels greatly loved by another, they will do just about anything in this world for them. I am telling you the truth when I say, as women, when we feel deeply loved and cherished by our men, we would follow them off of a cliff if they told us that is what we needed to do as a family. When we feel honored and appreciated by our men, we feel special, we feel greatly loved and we want to return that love. This attitude is reflected in the lyrics of a popular song called, Grenade by Bruno Mars:

I’d catch a grenade for you
Throw my hand on a blade for you
I’d jump in front of a train for you
You know I’d do anything for you

The song goes on to list other terrible things this person would be willing to go through for the one they love. It’s incredible what a person who is in love will do for their beloved.

All of the men out there are thinking, “Great! This is wonderful news. You say you’d catch a grenade for me? Throw your hand on a blade for me? Well, it’s your lucky day darlin’! I don’t want you to do any of that painful stuff for me. All I want you to do is make love to me with a good attitude whenever I ask.”

We aren’t clueless, guys. We can figure out what your number one need from us is – to take care of you in the bedroom. We “get” that. Did you “get” why I bolded certain portions of the paragraph above that tells what sex is for us? If you didn’t “get” that, let me summarize it for you right here. We are thrilled to make love with you when it flows as an expression of gratitude for all the love we are feeling from you, but when we are not feeling loved by you – when we are feeling taken for granted and used by you – lovemaking is no longer lovemaking. It becomes sex with someone we do not feel a warm, affectionate bond with, and quite honestly, it makes us feel like little more than a harlot when we perform this act out of obligation.

Men, I want all of you to understand that this isn’t some tit-for-tat kind of thing. We’re not thinking, “Okay, he’s been really good to me lately, so I guess I’ll have sex with him to pay him back for all of his kindnesses.” In addition, it is not, “He is so inconsiderate about helping me around here! I’ll show him, I just won’t have sex with him until he gets his act together.”

That isn’t it at all. When my “love tank” is full, as a result of my husband showing me he loves me by doing all of the things that a kind, considerate husband does (this varies, depending on your wife’s “love language”), and I am feeling lavishly loved because I feel that I am the number one priority in his life, I am anxious to lavishly love him too. Not as payback, but as a sincere expression of my love for him.

This is how women see it: the ultimate way to show our husbands the love we have and feel for them, is to exhibit that love in an outrageously lavish and extravagant way. This kind of love, the kind that is only shared by a husband and wife, manifests itself through the sharing of the most personal and sacred attribute God has given us. From a woman’s point of view, making love is the physical expression of how connected and in-sync we are with our man.

Making love is the supernatural Biblical portrait of “the two becoming one.” It isn’t simply the physical oneness that makes this oft quoted phrase from the book of Genesis so, but it is the heart-to-heart unity and harmony, so tangibly felt between the couple, that makes this the most stunning gift a woman can bestow upon her guy. Making love with my husband is an overpowering, natural desire that occurs when I feel adored by my husband. The result of a woman feeling well loved by her husband, is a woman who is eager to show it in the bedroom.

On the other side of this lovely scenario is when we feel like we’re nothing special to our husbands. When husbands make their wives feel like they could be any other random woman who is capable of cleaning, cooking, and doing what wives are expected to do, we are not inclined to pour on the expressions of love he desires. When husbands ignore, forget, or refuse to “fill their wives love tank” by not doing, saying, or showing us what we need to feel loved, can you guess what we are feeling? It certainly isn’t love!

For me personally, when my “love tank” is close to empty, and my husband hasn’t made an effort to put anything in it, I don’t feel loved. Remember the lyrics to the song I shared earlier? I’m not feeling any of that anymore. I’m also not feeling like making love either. Making love is an affirmation of the love I am feeling from my husband throughout the day. If I don’t feel loved, there is nothing there to make love with.

I love the book title, Sex Begins in the Kitchen, by Kevin Leman. He begins the book with a scenario that goes something like this:

It is a very busy night. One of those nights that has various events written in on the family calendar. The kids are running in different directions. Noise and chaos reign supreme. Mom gets home later than planned from work. She arrives and everyone is hungry and in need of her help and/or attention. Because she knows they don’t have a great deal of time before she has to shuttle each one to their various activities and organizational meetings, in addition to getting herself to the night class she signed up for, she quickly throws together something to eat, with just enough time to wolf down supper and leave a very uninviting mess in the kitchen.

After an exhausting evening, the wife and kids are finally home. As she punches the garage door opener, visions of dishes, a splattered stove top, and a dishwasher full of clean dishes that need to be put away break into her thoughts. To say she is not eager to step through the door is an understatement. But step she must.

Superman to the rescue! As she enters her kitchen she is delighted to see a sparkly counter-top, an empty sink, and a note taped to the once-greasy stove top that says, “Love you, Hon.” What do you think this wife wants to rush upstairs to do? If she is a half-way decent woman, she is going to shower her hero with lovin’ because her “love tank” is officially overflowing. She has lots of love to share, which makes lovemaking a joy.

I must say, Leman’s example isn’t entirely accurate in my opinion. If a guy has been a jerk for a month and then thinks that cleaning the kitchen is going to fix everything and end up with him being rewarded with sex, he’s probably wrong. It really comes down to this guys: figure out what fills your wife’s “love tank” and then get busy filling it and keeping it filled. As a result, she will be happy to express the love she feels in return by showing it in the most intimate way she knows how. She will make love with you ‘til you ask her not to. Funny aren’t I? A guy asking a gal “not to”? Sure.

This really isn’t that hard, people. As my dad says, “You don’t have to be a rocket surgeon to get this done.” (I love how he mixes up “rocket science” and “brain surgeon” on purpose just to make my boys laugh). Here it is in a nutshell: Women, give your man all the sex he wants. Men, love and cherish your woman like she is a queen. Everybody’s happy. The end. Ha! Don’t we wish.

Why are there so many troubles in the Christian bedroom? I believe it is because we are not loving each other well. And why aren’t we loving each other well? Because we are selfish sinners. We are more interested in looking out for ourselves than we are for our spouses. We’re afraid that if we are the first one to show excessive love we might not get what we want in return, so we take this stance: “Why do I have to make the first move? Let him make the first move!” May I remind everyone that someone has to make the first move. Someone needs to risk loving the other with the possibility that they won’t receive what they were hoping for in return. Love is risky.

You want your woman to love on you all night, every night? Then you need to love and cherish her all day every day.

Josh says in his article, “If women could live inside a man’s body for 48 hours it would forever change her outlook on men.” I think what he says here is true. You know what else is true? If men could live inside a woman’s body for 48 hours it would forever change his outlook on women. Sounds to me like we all have a great deal of empathizing to do. We had better get busy.

What Else Does the Bible Say?

In addition to what the Bible says about sex and not withholding it from one another, it also says this is in Ephesians 5:25:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

How does Christ love the church? He loves her lavishly! He died for her. He gave his all for the church. Men, are you willing to love your wife the way Christ loves the church? If husbands and wives would both do what the Bible says they should, conflict in the bedroom would vanish.

Our bedroom problems aren’t about sex. All marital conflict is rooted in our lack of love – lack of love for God. When we don’t love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, we can’t love our neighbor (spouses fall in this category) as ourselves. So, we end up loving ourselves, thinking of ourselves, caring for ourselves, and being offended when our spouse doesn’t love us as much as we love us. The problem is that we are sinners! And when you (a sinner) marry a sinner, you will find out that they sin and sin a lot-just like you do! Even the “saved” ones sin. Imagine that?! I know it isn’t very good news. As a matter of fact, it is downright awful news, but it is our reality and we must learn to live in this world, where, at times, it can be very difficult to be us.

So, what are we to do? First of all, we all need to admit that none of us can make our spouses do anything. We do not have, nor should we desire to have, control over another human being. The good news is, it is likely that you do have some influence over your spouse. This is what I suggest you do if you and your spouse do not see eye-to-eye on matters in the bedroom:

1. Talk about it. I know it can be a bit awkward to sit down and talk about sex, but if you don’t, things will never get better. The more you talk about sex, the easier it gets.
2. Both spouses must commit to being empathetic and doing everything in their power to try and figure out how their spouse feels. Men: try to understand what it’s like for a woman to feel like a prostitute (degraded, shamed, unclean). Women: try to understand what it’s like for a man to feel so needy and dependant on you for the sexual gratification that his body demands (humiliated, deprived, child-like).
3. Discuss, at length, what makes you feel most loved and what makes you feel unloved. If our “love tanks” are not full we will not be able to give love away. Remember, sex really does start in the kitchen.
4. Finally, and most important of all, you absolutely must agree to walk and talk with God as individuals on a daily basis. If you are not getting closer to God each and every day, I can guarantee you that you are not getting closer to each other either. The farther away from God we are, the more selfish and sinful we become. That is a fact that you can’t argue your way out of. You have to be willing to keep each other accountable in this area. This is a must!

Song of Solomon 4:10-11 says:

How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much more pleasing is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your perfume
more than any spice!
Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
milk and honey are under your tongue.
The fragrance of your garments
is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

If you want to improve your love-life in the bedroom, and want to delight in your spouse as Solomon did, you have got to start with your love-life outside of the bedroom. It probably won’t drastically improve overnight, although if both parties involved were to agree to do exactly what the other asked, it could. Think about that. It really could improve overnight if we would be willing to push our selfish selves aside and resurrect our giving selves.

Remember that you that was alive and well when you were dating? The you that lived to serve your beloved because you were crazy about them? This whole issue comes down to the choices we make or refuse to make in regards to loving our spouses well.

We all want a happy marriage. For him that means sex on demand, and for her it means feeling like she is the most precious person in his life all of the time, day and night. Someone has got to make the first move and initiate solving this bedroom predicament, or nothing will change. Why not be the bigger person and step out in faith? Instigate that hard conversation that will get this ball rolling. Who knows, that ball rolling just might lead to a “rolling in the hay event” that both of you can get excited about! But then again, that’s just my woman’s perspective.