Going To A Marriage Conference

“Let’s go to the marriage conference in Glorieta this year,” she said.

Cindy and I had just celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. She saw an advertisement for the Fall Festival of Marriage put on by Lifeway every year at Glorieta, NM and thought it would be a nice getaway for us and also a chance to work on our marriage. Having been in the pastorate for years and knowing full well that many marriage counseling sessions were pre-empted by attendance at a marriage conference gave me cause to hesitate. People get in an environment where the lines of communication are opened a little further than usual and conflict is inevitable. Furthermore, these types of conferences tend to present a perfect picture of marriage to shoot for, giving the inevitable feeling of letdown to both parties eventually. However, having both gone through a divorce, we had committed to continually work on our marriage. So I agreed to go with her.

We made plans to go, paid the fee and secured a babysitter. As October rolled around, we noticed that we were both becoming a little (sometimes a lot) more contentious with the other. I began to wonder whether or not this marriage conference was a good idea. The week before the conference we had a pretty big blow-up. We agreed that we needed God’s intervention with us in some way to get us focused in the right areas. We were hoping that He would speak to us at the conference. Little did we know He was going to do much more than that.

I told Cindy that marriage conferences were to be viewed as a tool trade show. God would give us tools for our marriage through the speakers, but we would have to commit to putting those tools to work in our lives. She would later tell me that she was looking for something a little more like a miracle. I said that was kind of idealistic and not to get your hopes up about anything we could call miraculous. I would live to eat those words.

The first day was very enjoyable. We sat in a small group setting as the speakers conveyed to us the biblical model of marriage. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church and the wife is to show respect to her husband. They provided some props for the session that were fun, yet instructional. I gave Cindy a bracelet made of candy beads and for each bead I communicated to her something that I love about her. She crowned me with a crown from Burger King. I still have it. That evening we attended the worship service and listened to the speakers who were leading the conference.  Dave Hunt was leading worship and he did an incredible job. The speakers were OK, but not what I was looking for. No clear word from God tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

The next day we got through two or three small group sessions before the proverbial wheels came off. The topic was about forgiveness and how differently people express apology and extend forgiveness. As we left the classroom Cindy said, “You just need to say you’re sorry and everything will be alright.” I said, “I don’t say I am sorry unless I really am.” We didn’t even make it to the car until we were at each other’s throat. The day was ruined, almost. We had already paid to ride horses that afternoon and I did not want the excursion ruined. We were silent through lunch. We left the lunchroom and drove over to the prayer garden. I think it was a little louder that day than most days, because we re-engaged in the previous discussion to an even greater degree. No resolve. Now we have conflict and have wasted 50 bucks on riding some stupid horses.

During the horse ride Cindy seemed to relax a little bit and appeared to enjoy the ride. I did not.

Divorce has taught me that often times people view even the simplest of concepts much differently. Cindy gets mad and then cools off and even sometimes she forgets why she got mad in the first place. I do not. I need to have the disagreement resolved before I can move on. These two dispositions are incompatible apart from Christ. Each position has its merit and its detriment. Only when I am in Christ and filled with his Spirit can I interact with Cindy in a positive way when we are in conflict. She thinks I over-analyze everything and I think she would rather forget it and move on.  A sure recipe for disaster. We have had to learn to give each other some time to cool off before working through the conflict, whatever it may be. I tend to view difficult issues in a relationship as either a cold or cancer. Colds need to run their course and go away. Cancers have to be addressed and resolved. The alternative is for the cancer to eat away at the relationship, often times to a fatal degree. Mutual agreements are wonderful, but mutual understandings are necessary. I must understand Cindy’s position before I can interact with it. Likewise, I must communicate  my thoughts effectively so she can try to understand my position as well. This is no easy task because of the interference of emotion. Far too often we tend to believe that we have figured out what the other is thinking, thus making an explanation on their part unnecessary. This is extremely damaging to a relationship. If I value my wife, I will listen to her. I communicate her value by being attentive to her words. Likewise, I perceive her thoughts toward me by how well she hears my words and their meaning.

We got back to our room and spoke very little for a while. When we did speak, our conflict only got worse. At first, I did not want to go to the worship service that evening. I had a headache and the only part of the service I enjoyed the night before was the music. However, we both agreed that we had come to hear something from God and the only way that was going to happen was if we were in a setting for Him to speak. So we went to the service.

We arrived about 15 minutes late and sat toward the back. I was noticeably irritated because we had missed most of the part I enjoyed—the worship music. I expected a repeat of the night before concerning the speakers, and I was wrong with a capital W.

The speakers that night were Dale and Jena Forehand of Stained Glass Ministries. From the time the husband and wife team began to speak, God sent bolts of lightning through both Cindy and me. Their stories were so identical to ours that it actually became comical at times, heart wrenching at others. We were riveted in our seats as God spoke more clearly to me than He ever has. At the end of the service, Dale solemnly declared that he believed that there was at least one couple that was on the verge of failure and he would very much like to pray with and for that couple.

I didn’t even ask Cindy if she wanted to go. I grabbed her hand and started up the aisle. Since we were so far back in the congregation, I really didn’t think we would get to speak with Dale and Jena. But I knew we needed to speak to someone. Not a soul moved in the entire congregation the whole time we were walking forward. We walked straight up to them and I poured our story out in a few minutes. They were both very compassionate and encouraged us to come together and truly be one in Christ. We went back to our seats holding hands and embraced once we got there. We spent hours that night talking about how much we meant to each other and how dangerously close we had gotten to the edge we said we would never approach again.

Divorce has taught me to swallow pride, take my wife’s hand and go get help before it’s too late. Attending a marriage conference is sometimes difficult, but not nearly as difficult as a divorce. Information is a good thing. Read a book on marriage and talk about it together. Not every line in every book applies to every marriage, but some lines will. And they are worth the time it takes to find them. Marriage counselors are not just for marriages on the rocks. Many healthy marriages stay that way because of constant maintenance.

The next day was the last day of the conference. We were fairly exhausted physically and emotionally, yet very happy at what God had done for us. We wanted to find Dale and Jena to buy their book, Let’s Get Real.  We walked up to Dale and it took him a minute to recognize us. We were smiling now.