What Divorce Taught Me About Staying Married

There was a time that I arrogantly believed that divorce was not an option for our marriage. Not an option. What does that mean? Either I am too good to consider the moral wrong or that I am trapped in a relationship from which I have no hope of escape. Or maybe the trouble that the rest of the human race experiences will somehow pass me by. If you have the audacity to smugly recite the phrase, “divorce is simply not an option for us,” you might want to buckle your seat belt. Words have a way of finding you . . . and testing your intentions.

“Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.”
I Corinthians 10:12 NKJV

The Message translates that verse in a more direct way.

“Don’t be so naive and self-confident. You’re not exempt. You could fall on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence.” I Corinthians 10:12 The Message

Someone will undoubtedly say, “Well I am not being arrogant. I am just committed.”  If for one second you base that commitment on yourself, you should “take heed.” Only a dependency upon the grace and strength of God will produce an ability to withstand the inevitable attacks on the marriage relationship. Any commitment that is based on human ability is fragile at best. Furthermore, to experience temporary success only feeds the flesh and increases the hunger for more.

I am not questioning the need for commitment. I am strongly challenging the basis of that commitment. Only God can work good in and through us. His hand of wisdom and strength is all that is necessary. Any attempt on our part to aid Him is futile.

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose.”   (Emphasis mine) Philippians 2:13

Someone will invariably say, “So you are saying that we should just relax and let God do the work?” Actually not just someone will respond that way, many will. The question that we all should ask is, “Where do I get my strength from?” My purpose is never to diminish our responsibilities as followers of Christ, but I desperately desire to communicate to all people that apart from Christ, we can do nothing. To abide in Him is to thrive in this world and to live life to its fullest. When a person begins to trust in his own ability to live life God’s way, failure is soon to surface.

Ok. Time for some balance. The Bible is clear about our responsibilities as believers. We are told to discipline ourselves for the purpose of godliness.

But have nothing to do with worldly fables fit only for old women On the other hand, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness;   I Timothy 4:7  NASB

Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:8-10  NIV

The biblical list of instruction for us to commit ourselves to God’s way is much too lengthy to list here. Suffice to say that we have a responsibility to hear and act according to the truth of God. To actually do what God tells us to do requires a dependence upon Him for the will and the ability to be obedient. This is but one in the lengthy list of paradox in the Scriptures. Two words that help me in this line of thought are surrender and focus.

To surrender is “to give oneself up, as into the power of another.” I have no confidence in my flesh, I can only truly hope for success when I am “into the power of another.” That “other” being the Lord. He is my hope for peace and life in this world. To surrender not only means trusting in Him, it also means not trusting in me.

“He must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3:30

Focus is a concept that works hand in hand with surrender. As long as my focus is on Christ, life is worth living. When my focus drifts away from Him and onto myself, my problems get bigger, my debt is crushing, relational conflict is overwhelming. . . Goliaths become unconquerable. Yet when I focus on Christ, those difficulties that were once too huge to deal with become strangely manageable.

By now you may be thinking, “I thought you were writing about marriage.” I am. Marriage is the biggest part of life for me and if I intend to succeed at marriage this time it will be by the power of Christ. As I fix my eyes on Jesus, I gain a clarity that can be found nowhere else.

Divorce has taught me many invaluable truths about marriage. It has also taught me that I am totally dependent upon the grace and strength of God to be successful at anything in this life, especially marriage.

I thought I understood how to be and stay married before. I was wrong. I have learned the hard way that apart from Christ, I can do nothing. I have also learned that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. The bottom line for me is to keep my eyes fixed on Christ and to never believe, even for a second, that I have the ability to love my wife as I should without the strong hand of the Lord to keep me surrendered and focused. To God be the glory. Amen.