6 steps to a better fight

Complain but don’t blame. Let’s assume that you’re angry because your spouse insisted on buying a dog despite your reservations. He swore up and down that he’d clean up after the dog. But now you’re finding poop all over the yard whenever you take out the garbage. It’s certainly okay to complain. You could say something like “Hey, there’s poop all over the backyard. We agreed you’d clean up after Banjo. I’m really upset about this.” While this is confrontational, it’s not an attack. You’re simply complaining about a particular situation, not your partner’s personality or character.

What’s not okay is to say something like “Hey, there’s poop all over the backyard. This is all your fault. I just knew you’d be irresponsible about that dog. I should never have trusted you about it in the first place.” However justified you may feel in blaming your spouse, the bottom line is that this approach is not productive. Even if it does lead your partner to clean up the yard, it also leads to increased tension, resentment, defensiveness, and so on.

Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You.” “I” statements have been a staple of interpersonal psychology ever since the mid-1960s, when acclaimed psychologist Haim Ginott noted that phrases starting with I are usually less likely to be critical and to make the listener defensive than statements starting with you. You can see the difference:

“You are not listening to me,” versus “I would like it if you’d listen to me.”

“You are careless with money,” versus “I want us to save more.”

“You just don’t care about me,” versus “I’m feeling neglected.”

Clearly, the “I” statements above are gentler than their “You” counterparts. Of course, you can also buck this general rule and come up with “I” statements like “I think you are selfish” that are hardly gentle. So the point is not to start talking to your spouse in some stilted psychobabble. Just keep in mind that if your words focus on how you’re feeling rather than on accusing your spouse, your discussion will be far more successful.

Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge. Instead of accusing or blaming, just describe what you see. Instead of “You never watch the baby,” say, “I seem to be the only one chasing after Charlie today.” Again, this will help prevent your spouse from feeling attacked and waging a defense rather than really considering your point.

Be clear. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. Instead of “You left the dining room a total mess,” say, “I’d appreciate it if you would clean your stuff off the dining room table.” Instead of “Would you take care of the baby for once?” say, “Please change Emmy’s diaper and give her a bottle.”

Be polite. Add phrases such as “please” and “I would appreciate it if . . .”

Be appreciative. If your partner has, at some point, handled this situation better, then couch your request within an appreciation of what your partner did right in the past and how much you miss that now. Instead of “You never have time for me anymore,” say, “Remember how we used to go out every Saturday night? I loved spending so much time alone with you. And it felt so good knowing that you wanted to be with me, too. Let’s start doing that again.”

Don’t store things up. It’s hard to be gentle when you’re ready to burst with recriminations. So don’t wait too long before bringing up an issue—otherwise it will just escalate in your mind. As the Bible says (Ephesians 4:26), “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”

–The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)