Eye-rolling predicts divorce

In one important study, Dr. Gottman and research scientist Sybil Carrère tracked 124 couples who had been married for less than nine months. Researchers watched and “coded” positive actions or words indicating interest, validation, affection, humor, and joy. And they also looked for more troubling signs, including contempt, belligerence, disgust, domineering, anger, fear, tension, defensiveness, whining, sadness, and stonewalling.

The study showed that the nuanced first few minutes of an argument can set the tone for the entire fight, determining whether the discussion will be productive or harmful to your relationship. In fact, in the University of Washington study the researchers demonstrated that just watching the first three minutes of the conversation helped them predict which couples would stay married and who was headed for divorce during the next six years.115

Consider what this means at the most practical level. If your marriage is struggling, you don’t necessarily need to dramatically overhaul every interaction with your spouse. The most important part of an argument between couples is the beginning, the start-up. Couples who engage in a harsh or brusque start-up—leveling harsh words and spiteful criticisms—are headed for trouble. Couples who launch conflict discussions carefully and gently are more likely to have a productive argument that strengthens, rather than weakens, their relationship. If you get the first three minutes of a fight right, you’re a long way toward improving the entire relationship.

Marriage studies show that one of the main differences between a good fight and a bad fight is whether it begins with a complaint or a criticism. Sometimes the two can be hard to tell apart.

Here is an example of a complaint versus criticism over the issue of housework.

“I was upset last night when I came home and the dishes were in the sink and the floor wasn’t swept.” (complaint)

Versus

“Why can’t you be bothered to do the dishes and clean up after the kids the one time I have a meeting? You never think about pitching in when I’m busy with other things.” (criticism)

Or sex.

“I wish we had sex more often.” (complaint)

Versus

“You never want to have sex. You’re always too tired. What’s happened to you?” (criticism)

Or child care.

“I really need more help juggling the kids’ schedules on the weekend. I’d like some time for myself too.” (complaint)

Versus

“All you think about is yourself. Why would it never occur to you that I might need some help with the kids or there might be something I want to do today?” (criticism laced with sarcasm)

Understanding the difference between a complaint and a criticism can go a long way toward improving the quality of your arguments. Couples are entitled to be unhappy, even annoyed, with each other. In fact, it’s inevitable. The key is to focus on the upsetting behavior rather than launch into a general attack on the person. It’s a sign of serious trouble when the opening to your discussion begins with criticism, contempt, or sarcasm. Not only will you not win the argument, you will end up unhappy, dissatisfied, and with a dose of negativity that can jeopardize your relationship.

The difference between a complaint and a criticism can be subtle, so it’s important to pay attention to your word choices. In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Dr. Gottman explains that complaints are specific, criticisms are global and include blame, and contempt adds insult to criticism. The phrases “you always” or “you never” are a telltale sign that your complaint has morphed into a broader criticism of your partner. Do your best to avoid the word “you” when having an argument with your spouse. Try to stick with the first person “I” or “we,” and avoid the accusatory “you.”116

Even worse than criticism is contempt, says Dr. Gottman. While criticisms are painful, contempt can be cruel. One manifestation of contempt discussed earlier is eye rolling, a dismissive gesture that suggests what the other person is saying is not important.

–For Better by Tara Parker-Pope