The first sentence of a conversation predicts its outcome

Our research shows that the way you start your conversations makes a big difference in the overall quality of your marriage. Harsh start-up—that is, beginning with criticism or contempt—causes the interaction to go downhill fast. Partners become defensive and withdraw, leading to emotional distance and loneliness. The opposite is softened start-up, which is free of criticism and contempt.

Below are five examples of common marital conflicts, followed by examples of harsh start-up and softened start-up.

1. The holidays are approaching and you’re worried because your partner often spends more on her family than the two of you can afford.

HARSH START-UP: “I hate the holidays! Your shopping always drives us into debt.”

SOFTENED START-UP: “I really want to enjoy the holidays with you this year. But I’m worried about the bills. Can we talk about a budget?”

2. Your partner likes to go to clubs with friends each weekend, but you like to spend more evenings at home together.

HARSH START-UP: “I’m sick of going out with your friends all the time.”

SOFTENED START-UP: “I feel like spending time alone together. How about if I cook a nice dinner on Saturday and we stay home for a change?”

3. After a bad day at work, you come home to a headache, a messy house, and two quarreling kids. Your partner arrives, turns on the baseball game, and asks, “What’s for dinner?”

HARSH START-UP: “How the hell should I know? And why do I always have to cook?!”

SOFTENED START-UP: “I don’t know, and I don’t feel very well. It would be great if you’d take care of dinner.”

4. You’d like to make love tonight, but your partner’s been distant. You wonder whether he even finds you attractive anymore.

HARSH START-UP: “What’s wrong with your sex drive lately? You sure don’t seem like the guy I married.”

SOFTENED START-UP: “I’ve really been missing you. Remember how we made love at the cabin last summer? Tell me what I can do to get you interested.”

-Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by Joan Declaire, John Phd Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman

How one couple solved their conflict

Often the difference between resolving conflicts  and arguing is attitude. Why do people argue? In  one word, rigidity. We adopt a rigid attitude and  dig in our heels. In essence we’re saying, “My way is  the right way, and if you don’t do it my way, then I  will make your life miserable.” This is the attitude  of an arguer, a person who insists on getting his or  her own way.

Conflict resolvers have a different attitude. They  say, in effect, “I’m sure we can work this out in a  way that will be positive for both of us. Let’s thinkabout it together.” Spouses who adopt this attitude  are looking for a win-win resolution.

Let’s revisit Bob and Jill from chapter 1, who  were arguing about Monday Night Football. Obviously,   each of them saw the other’s position as  unreasonable. They created a miserable evening by  arguing and were left with a huge barrier between  them. But with a different attitude, the outcome  could have been totally different.

What if Jill had chosen an attitude of accommodation?   She might have said, “Bob, I know you  really enjoy Monday Night Football. It’s a way for  you to unwind from the stresses of the day. On the  other hand, I’m beginning to feel lonely and shut  out of your life. That’s not a feeling I want to have.  So, at your convenience, I’d like for us to talk about  it and look for a solution. I’m sure we can work it  out. I love you very much, and I don’t want this to  come between us.

“If Bob had chosen a conflict resolver’s attitude,  he might have responded, “Honey, you’re right. I  really do enjoy Monday Night Football, but I alsovalue our relationship more than anything in the  world. I want to meet your needs, and I’m sure we  can find a solution that will be good for both of  us. Why don’t we talk about it at halftime?” The  evening could have been pleasant for both Bob and  Jill, and they likely would have found a solution  that met their needs.

– Everybody Wins: The Chapman Guide to Solving Conflicts without Arguing (Gary Chapman)- Highlight on Page 23 | Loc. 166-78  | Added on Monday, March 14, 2011, 01:33 AM

In an ideal world, this is how conflict is solved

I saw an attitude of love graphically demonstrated   when I visited John and Betsy. They had recently   moved to our city and had visited our church.  During our conversation, I discovered that they had  lost a three-year-old son in a tragic boating accident  a year earlier. They had two other children, whowere now five and seven, and they told me that  Betsy was now pregnant.

“Being a marriage counselor, Gary, I think you  will find this interesting,” Betsy said. “Our decision  to have another child did not come easily. John really   did not want another child, but I was strongly  in favor of having another one.

“I looked at John and he said, “The pain was  so deep when we lost josh that I couldn’t bear the  thought of going through that again. I was happy  with the two children we had left and wanted to  invest my time with them.”

“I can understand that,” I said.

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Eye-rolling predicts divorce

In one important study, Dr. Gottman and research scientist Sybil Carrère tracked 124 couples who had been married for less than nine months. Researchers watched and “coded” positive actions or words indicating interest, validation, affection, humor, and joy. And they also looked for more troubling signs, including contempt, belligerence, disgust, domineering, anger, fear, tension, defensiveness, whining, sadness, and stonewalling.

The study showed that the nuanced first few minutes of an argument can set the tone for the entire fight, determining whether the discussion will be productive or harmful to your relationship. In fact, in the University of Washington study the researchers demonstrated that just watching the first three minutes of the conversation helped them predict which couples would stay married and who was headed for divorce during the next six years.115

Consider what this means at the most practical level. If your marriage is struggling, you don’t necessarily need to dramatically overhaul every interaction with your spouse. The most important part of an argument between couples is the beginning, the start-up. Couples who engage in a harsh or brusque start-up—leveling harsh words and spiteful criticisms—are headed for trouble. Couples who launch conflict discussions carefully and gently are more likely to have a productive argument that strengthens, rather than weakens, their relationship. If you get the first three minutes of a fight right, you’re a long way toward improving the entire relationship.

Marriage studies show that one of the main differences between a good fight and a bad fight is whether it begins with a complaint or a criticism. Sometimes the two can be hard to tell apart.

Here is an example of a complaint versus criticism over the issue of housework.

“I was upset last night when I came home and the dishes were in the sink and the floor wasn’t swept.” (complaint)

Versus

“Why can’t you be bothered to do the dishes and clean up after the kids the one time I have a meeting? You never think about pitching in when I’m busy with other things.” (criticism)

Or sex.

“I wish we had sex more often.” (complaint)

Versus

“You never want to have sex. You’re always too tired. What’s happened to you?” (criticism)

Or child care.

“I really need more help juggling the kids’ schedules on the weekend. I’d like some time for myself too.” (complaint)

Versus

“All you think about is yourself. Why would it never occur to you that I might need some help with the kids or there might be something I want to do today?” (criticism laced with sarcasm)

Understanding the difference between a complaint and a criticism can go a long way toward improving the quality of your arguments. Couples are entitled to be unhappy, even annoyed, with each other. In fact, it’s inevitable. The key is to focus on the upsetting behavior rather than launch into a general attack on the person. It’s a sign of serious trouble when the opening to your discussion begins with criticism, contempt, or sarcasm. Not only will you not win the argument, you will end up unhappy, dissatisfied, and with a dose of negativity that can jeopardize your relationship.

The difference between a complaint and a criticism can be subtle, so it’s important to pay attention to your word choices. In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Dr. Gottman explains that complaints are specific, criticisms are global and include blame, and contempt adds insult to criticism. The phrases “you always” or “you never” are a telltale sign that your complaint has morphed into a broader criticism of your partner. Do your best to avoid the word “you” when having an argument with your spouse. Try to stick with the first person “I” or “we,” and avoid the accusatory “you.”116

Even worse than criticism is contempt, says Dr. Gottman. While criticisms are painful, contempt can be cruel. One manifestation of contempt discussed earlier is eye rolling, a dismissive gesture that suggests what the other person is saying is not important.

–For Better by Tara Parker-Pope

Compatibility is over-rated

The lesson, say a number of noted marriage researchers, is that compatibility is overrated.113 In fact, focusing too much on the issue of compatibility may be in and of itself a sign of trouble, notes Ted Huston, University of Texas psychology professor, who runs the PAIR project, a longitudinal study of married couples. Dr. Huston’s research shows that in terms of likes and dislikes, happy couples are no more or less compatible than unhappy couples. But a telltale sign of an unhappy relationship is when one spouse or the other starts to fret about not being compatible or begins to overstate the importance of compatibility to a good marriage. When a man or woman says that he or she is “just not compatible” with their spouse, what they are really saying, notes Dr. Huston, is that they just aren’t getting along.

The truth is, compatibility comes and goes and there is no such thing as a couple who is compatible all the time. Sometimes couples get along. Sometimes they disagree about money, sex, kids, and time. Good marriages aren’t about being compatible all the time. People in a good marriage know how to manage their differences.

For Better by Tara Parker-Pope

An affair is like a drug addiction

Indeed, the person in love is an addict of sorts. Just like someone going through chemical withdrawal, a lover becomes anxious and unable to concentrate in the absence of his or her partner. But even a small dose of affection—a phone call or a text message—gives them their “fix” and calms them, at least for a while. In many ways, the brain scan studies show that the maddening feelings of love are essentially a major mental-health crisis. The chemical storm of brain changes it causes are strikingly similar to drug addiction and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Love really does make us crazy.

-For Better by Tara Parker-Pope